When All Else Fails, Hit the Fangirl
by Yumetaka Kourui
Summary: Neko, Akuma, and Cho are three Naruto-loving girls with contrasting personalities. What will happen when Neko performs a jutsu to send them all to the Naruto world? Eventually their paths will diverge... what will come of it? Self-insert type original characters.
1. The Bet

**Chapter One: The Bet**

* * *

"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on." - Robert Bloch

* * *

A fourteen year old girl with blond, wavy, waist-length hair and grey-green eyes was at recess talking to a thirteen year old girl with mid-neck-length black hair and dark blue eyes. They, known as Neko and Akuma respectively, were good friends even though they were opposites.

Elsewhere on the school grounds, a fourteen year old girl with straight, brown, shoulder-length hair sat on a swing, hands folded on her lap, swinging back and forth. Her name was Cho. She was a third opposite, very different from them, but friends with the other two.

Opposites though the three of them were, Neko, Akuma, and Cho had one thing in common: They were fans of Naruto.

Akuma had a crush on Itachi. Not that she'd ever admit it, but she still had it.

Cho wasn't one for infatuation. She thought two or three characters were awesome, and, if asked, they would be her favorites. But, even in the real world, Cho cared nothing for romance.

Neko, on the other hand… well, she loved Kakashi, Neji, and Sasori. If she had to pick one, though, she would pick Kakashi. In fewer words, overall; Neko was a Fangirl.

Cho was thinking of how to get past a certain spot in the story she was writing. She was always more of a loner, preferring to be alone with her thoughts over being surrounded by people. She was lost in thought staring at the sky, peacefully daydreaming.

Akuma was about to make quick, easy money.

"Akuma! I bet fifteen bucks and my chocolate bar that I can do a jutsu!" Neko exclaimed.

"I'll take that bet. Now lemme see this jutsu of yours," Akuma replied.

"I'm gonna get to see Saso-chan, Nii-chan, and… and… KASHI-CHAN!"

_Tiger (Tora)… Snake (Hebi)… Dog (Inu)… Bird (Tori)… Ram (O-Hitsuji)… Dragon (Ryuu)… Dog (Inu)… Boar (Ousa Buta)… Monkey (Saru)… Ram (O-Hitsuji)…_

"**Gyaku Kuchiyose no Jutsu: Neko, Akuma, Cho!**"

A bright light burst out from Neko. It swiftly enveloped the three friends, blinding them.

* * *

Gyaku Kuchiyose no Jutsu: Neko, Akuma, Cho

Reverse Summoning Technique: Neko (Cat), Akuma (Demon), Cho (Butterfly)

* * *

Thank you for reading my first attempt at a crack fic. This story is the closest I'll ever get to writing a crack fic, so I hope it's funny! My friend 88-x-NekoNinja-x-88 (Neko) is helping me, has been helping me, and undoubtedly will be helping me so much with this fanfiction. She has already given me some hilarious scenes to put in.

Thanks, please review!


	2. Fangirl

**Chapter Two: Fangirl**

* * *

"_Just when I think I've hit rock bottom, somebody throws me a shovel."_

* * *

When the light faded, Neko and Akuma found themselves in their previous positions.

* * *

-=-=-=**Neko's POV**=-=-=-

The light cleared and I was standing in a forest clearing, my hands still in the Ram seal and my mouth still open from yelling the jutsu, though my jaw wasted no time dropping the rest of the way in shock.

'_It… it worked! Oh, yeah!'_

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"

I closed my mouth and dropped my hands to my sides, brushing against my jeans as I looked over to Akuma. She had been standing with her hands in the pockets of her cargo pants. I could see her bringing one hand up as she face-palmed. I coulda sworn she muttered something along the lines of "Oh God, no," but, like a good little optimist, I ignored it. I glanced around and noticed Cho's absence.

"Akuma… Where's Cho?"

"How should I know? It's your jutsu. But whatever happened, she's a genius, isn't she? She'll find us sooner or later."

"Okay…"

That sounded good to me.

Uh oh. It looked like Akuma had something else on her mind that she wanted to say… I knew it couldn't be good with that foreboding look on her face. And I didn't know I actually _knew_ that word… foreboding… I suppose I spend too much time around Cho. It's messing with my mind. I'm probably no longer sane, thanks to her.

"Neko. If we run into anyone, do not, I repeat: DO NOT, say anything at all, or I promise you; you will feel pain."

Y'know? When I first met Akuma, I had the feeling she was a pessimistic sadist. My inner optimist -I call her Kiku- said that she was just having a bad day and was probably a very nice girl. Fate wasted no time proving that I was right and Kiku wasn't.

I brought my fingers up to my lips and did the 'zipping' motion.

I wasn't going to risk my life just because I wanted to say something.

"Now that you're quiet, Neko, follow me."

Akuma started walking off in a random direction.

"Why are we going this way?" I asked.

She pointed and I looked. "Haha… right. I saw that."

A dirt road.

We got to the path and Akuma closely examined both ways, deciding which was our best bet to find civilization.

"Instinct says this way," she said, her blue eyes flickering to meet my own green-grey. She was pointing in the direction she designated as east.

I knew from experience that I could trust her logic more than mine. Ha. Logic. Me. Ha. Funny. I openly admit it.

We traveled for a while, both of us searching for proof that we were going the right way, though eventually we just focused on continuing at a steady pace, getting _somewhere_.

It was getting close to evening when I brought my gaze from my feet where it had been for the last hour and looked up.

"Akuma… is that what I think it is or am I imagining things?" She followed my gaze and gave a rare lifting of her mouth that was somewhere between a smirk and a smile. That made me almost completely sure that I was dreaming. She just doesn't do that kind of stuff. Ever.

* * *

-=-=-=**Cho's POV**=-=-=-

The light that obscured my vision faded and I looked around to see that I was sitting on sand, early in the day, with no sight of anything but seemingly endless desert. Why didn't that class teach desert survival? It taught all about mountain and forest survival and all about how not to die in freezing cold temperatures, but nothing about blazing hot ones. I was pretty sure they didn't quite follow the same principles.

I sighed lightly as I stood up. I was wearing my jean capris and a short-sleeved shirt with my brown sweatshirt around my waist. Not too bad. My shoes were light-weight, too.

I glanced around one more time, noting that everything was too… complex… to be a dream. The sights, the sounds, the feelings of heat and sand, it was too real. My dreams weren't that realistic, ever. I quickly checked all three hundred and sixty degrees around me to see if there was any way that seemed the most likely to have either civilization or easier access to necessities to live; usually known as shelter, food, and water.

I didn't find a direction that seemed the best to go in, but I did find one that looked the worst… Even I, never having been in a desert before in my life, could identify that mass on the horizon as a sandstorm I really wanted to avoid. Probably from watching too much science fiction. Anyway, decided to head away from it. I knew it was futile, that I'd never be able to get away from it, but I could at least hope to find some sort of shelter.

I set off in more or less the opposite direction, the sun indicating that as approximately north. I didn't run, but I didn't walk slowly, either. Sand was rough to travel on, so I saved as much energy as I could, but I wasn't going to waste time that could be used to find shelter from a sandstorm I had no idea how to stick through. Like I said, I'd had mountain survival, not desert survival. Some of it is common sense, but most of the stuff is either learned from people who know what they're talking about or from learning it the hard way. I really didn't want to learn the hard way.

I looked behind me to see I only had maybe one or two minutes left before the sandstorm hit. Lovely. No shelter in sight. I always knew that I had the same amount of luck as my brother. Fate loves me, too...

...As a test for tragedy stories.

I sat down, put my sweatshirt on, pulled the hood up, and tried to bury myself in the sand a bit because I wasn't sure how fast the wind was moving, but I didn't exactly want my legs hit by who-knows-how-fast-its-moving sand.

Then the sandstorm hit.

The grains of sand seemed to tear at the occasional chance they'd get at my bare skin, whether hands, ankles, or face. I kept my eyes closed tightly and my head bowed, my brown hair waving wildly after some of it escaped my hood. And then something happened that I didn't expect.

Fate's giving me a lot of those moments, isn't it?

The wind picked up strongly… but in the opposite direction. Now I didn't know much about air currents and all that, but I knew enough to know that the wind didn't usually make a U-turn in mid sandstorm. The sand disappeared, the gust of wind faded, and I looked in front of me, knowing something or someone was there.

My eyes rested on something that was both unexpected and guessed, both illogical and sensible, both impossible and real. I suppose not something. Someone.

_'Well, at least I know where I am now.'_

* * *

That chapter was a little longer... though I'm starting to doubt that this should be called a crack fic... I'm not sure. Sorry if it's not good, but nobody's making you read this. I hope that I can make this a lot funnier in future chapters (no, let me rephrase that, I WILL make it funnier, this part just isn't able to be that funny). The next chapters will have more opportunity for Cho's darkness, Neko's stupidity and fangirling, and Akuma's sarcasm. 88-x-NekoNinja-x-88 helped me with Cho's section. She gave me the idea of the sandstorm. I basically just changed her idea a bit. Her idea: "As far as Cho goes, maybe have her get caught in a sand storm and somehow manage to find herself at the gates?" Nah, sandstorms aren't portals... well, not unless Neko is there. :) Thanks again, 88-x-NekoNinja-x-88! (I'm getting faster at typing your name!)

Please review! Or something... :)

I'm absolutely ecstatic when I get even one nice review. I have very low self-esteem, self-confidence, etc, etc, etc. So someone saying they like it just makes me happy. Even someone adding the story to their story alert makes me happy! (And guilty for not updating in forever.)


	3. Logic

**Chapter Three: Logic**

* * *

"The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity."

* * *

-=-=-=**Akuma's POV**=-=-=-

"Akuma… is that what I think it is or am I imagining things?"

I glanced back to where Neko stood, looking at her greenish eyes and following her gaze to see something potentially good. I smiled a smirk-like smile. I guess I did pick the right way after all. Not that I expected otherwise.

"If you see Konoha's gates, then yes, it is what you think it is. If it's something else, then you're most likely hallucinating, in which case I will ditch you right here right now."

There, a little ways in front of us, were the famous - well, relatively - gates of Konoha.

There was one negative thing bugging me, though…

I was sure that Neko would say something stupid which would take us to the Hokage, then she'd say something even more idiotic and get us interrogated by Ibiki… and that's if she doesn't say stuff that's too terribly reckless. If she did then it'd be even worse.

I looked over my shoulder at my companion. "Neko. Like I said before; you talk, I get to test out some of my new torture techniques on you. Understand?"

"Y-yeah…"

'_Yeah, right. Idiot. You're lucky I didn't leave you back at the clearing.'_

I sighed and led the way up to the gates, hoping that this would go relatively smoothly.

One of the Chuunin sitting in the booth at the gates asked the same question that, judging by his bored tone, he asked everyone else.

"Your business in Konoha?"

Sadly, Neko talked before thinking… again.

"I'm here to see Ka- OW! What was that for, Akuma? That hurt!" she exclaimed.

"Do you want me to hit harder? You're just lucky I didn't think this was a good time to try one of my new torture techniques. Though I would be glad to punch you again, this time not so lightly," I threatened.

"What are you talking abo-… oh. Hehe… Sorry! I forgot!"

I stared at the idiot. "I told you that ten seconds ago, Neko, ten seconds. Damn, I knew you had a short attention span, but this is just ridiculous."

"I'll be quiet now! I promise!" she said.

I figured a glare might get her to shut up, so I glowered at her before turning back to the Chuunin. I still needed to answer that poor Chuunin's question.

I smiled apologetically at the Chuunin. Yes, it was possible for me to be polite. "Well, HOPEFULLY we're here to get a job and rent an apartment. Assuming my companion doesn't cause trouble, that is."

Neko stared at me. "We are? I thought tha-OW! Would you stop that? Hitting me right where you did last time, and harder, too! You're mean!"

"Neko," I stated, turning to face her. "We're going to each get a job, we're going to rent an apartment. We're not here to follow your every hyperactive whim. Do that on your own time and money."

I turned back to the Chuunin.

He looked us over one more time after sighing (obviously already used to a certain idiot with blond hair and _blue _eyes). Deeming us to be civilians, and therefore not a threat, he said we could pass through into Konoha.

It could have been worse. At least we're not in front of Ibiki…

…Yet…

I turned my head to the side and flickered my gaze towards Neko to note that she was following me while rubbing her arm where I punched her and wisely keeping her mouth closed. Her green-grey eyes were looking all around, taking in the sights, but she wasn't commenting, not wanting to get bruised worse.

Smart girl.

I looked forward again, satisfied that I had instilled fear upon my insufferable hyperactive companion.

I paused for a split second.

How many of those words were added to my vocabulary by Cho, I wonder?

* * *

**-=-=-=Cho's POV=-=-=-**

'_Well, I discovered the source of the blast of wind that drove the sandstorm away…'_

There in front of me was a certain female wind-user from a certain desert village.

Temari of the Sand.

I had to admit it was kind of weird seeing a fictional character standing in front of me, leaning against her large fan, looking exactly the same as in the manga or anime. A fictional character who looked not too much older than myself, probably only one year older, at that. I would guess she was fifteen because of what she was wearing.

While the observational part of my mind was thinking these things, the part of my mind that assessed the chances of certain things happening in the future had only managed to come up with two words…

'_I'm screwed.'_

Then the more logical part of my mind fired the future-planning part and took the job upon itself to figure out the likelihood of certain things happening (how lucky or unlucky the situation was). The logical part of my mind figured that if I worded my responses right, I wouldn't have any troubles. Well, assuming that I didn't run into Gaara who, for some reason, wanted nothing more than to kill me. But that wasn't particularly likely since I was a civilian and therefore would not only have no grudge against me, I also wouldn't be strong enough to validate his existence. All in all, my luck wasn't looking that bad. I stood up taking the hood of my sweatshirt from my head and brushed myself off some.

Temari's teal eyes met my own grey. "Who are you? Might I ask what you're doing in the middle of the desert? You don't look like a shinobi. You're lucky I blew the sandstorm away."

"I'm not a shinobi. And thank you for that," I said, no emotions visible on my face.

"You didn't answer the questions." Ah. She's suspicious of me. Understandable.

No point lying about my name, and I had heard Neko yelling the jutsu she used to send us here, so I may as well add some truth to the lie. Actually, it's mostly true.

"My name is Cho, and I was near someone who was testing a jutsu for the first time… I'm not sure what happened." I deadpanned. Half of it was a truth, half a lie.

"You understand that I'll have to take you to the Kazekage," Temari said, somewhere between a statement and a question, the suspicious look still on her face.

"Of course."

'_Now I just have to play my cards right and everything will go smoothly, maybe even very well. Good thing I've always been excellent at card games.'_

"Follow me."

Temari set off walking after positioning her fan on her back, obviously keeping in mind that I was a civilian, or at least claimed to be. I followed behind her trying to ignore the heat of the sun. I'd had worse, overall.

* * *

-=-=-=**Neko's POV**=-=-=-

'_Wow.'_

Konoha was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen.

It was like reality and fantasy all rolled into one village. Just, wow.

I shifted to the side a bit to get a look at Akuma's face. She didn't look at all happy to be here. She didn't seem to be enjoying the sights in the slightest.

But then again, when did she ever show amazement?

It just wasn't her thing.

And I just didn't get it. Her family was completely normal. She, on the other hand, was dark, very cold, distant, almost never showing emotions, especially not good ones.

It made me wonder what her childhood was like.

I practically ran into Akuma when she stopped suddenly, muttering under her breath so softly I could barely hear it.

"Oh, god _no_. Damn it, why me? What the _hell _did I do to deserve this?"

I switched my gaze from her face to where she was looking. Ah. That would explain it.

A certain youth-obsessed green-clad Genin making promises to a certain youth-obsessed green-clad Jounin. I didn't really see Akuma's problem, I thought that Lee was pretty awesome, but, then again, I did find the youth stuff a bit overdone.

I could only imagine that Akuma found it a million times worse.

Pessimists usually do.

Outside, my mouth twitched in a smile. Inside I was laughing insanely at Akuma's luck. Why? Well, Lee was turning around when he noticed us, of course. I had a feeling I was going to love this, if only to make Akuma miserable. I know, I'm mean, and I'm supposed to be an optimist. I am, really, but I feel that Akuma needs to be a little less touchy. My optimism says that this might be really good for her mental health. She's too… visibly emotionless. She needs to show more emotion.

You could just see the unspoken threat in Akuma's dark blue eyes. _'Say one word about youth and you're liable to die where you stand, shinobi or no.'_

I was seriously fearing for Lee's life when he decided to speak up.

'_Careful, Lee, you've got a homicidal, pessimistic sadist in front of you.'_

"Oh my goodness! Two youthful flowers right in front of me and I didn't notice! You are both so beautiful! May I know your names?"

I was fearing for my _own_ life when Akuma whispered something, her teeth clenched.

"I am going to _kill_ him."

I smiled nervously. "U-uh-um…. Ignore my friend, she's having a bad day. My name is Neko and this is Akuma."

"My name is Rock Lee!" he said proudly."Akuma-chan! You have absolutely beautiful eyes! Will you go out with me?"

'_Uh-oh.'_

Akuma's hands were flexing as her arms lay at her sides. It was obvious she was imagining them around Lee's throat.

I decided to try to calm her down. Key word: try.

"A-Akuma… You told _me_ not to do anything stupid, but I think that _you're_ about to do something _really_ stupid. P-please calm down?"

"No. I will not go out with you," she said before barging through the green-clad shinobi, continuing on her way to some unknown place which she knew and I didn't. I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Neko-chan! You are a stunning morning flower! Will you go out with me?"

Looks like he wasn't going to give up on getting a date.

"Akuma would kill me if I did, Lee-kun. No, wait, that's not true… she'd kill _you_. We just got in the village and have to find a place to live and a job right now… but… maybe later when Akuma isn't so homicidal?" I asked with an uncertain smile.

"That would be lovely, Neko-chan! Yosh! I must go train now! Goodbye!" I wasn't sure if he got any part of what I said except "later".

"…Bye…?" I said, a little unsure after that encounter.

I ran off to catch up with Akuma, hearing Gai yelling something about youth to Lee a ways behind me. I finally caught up with her, she was walking at a fast pace.

I still wasn't sure where she was going.

* * *

-=-=-=**Cho's POV**=-=-=-

We had come to the village gates. Suna… the village hidden in the sand. It was larger than I imagined.

Temari glanced behind, checking that I was still behind her and hadn't run off.

We walked through the gates, Temari nodding at the guards in greeting.

I could tell we were heading towards what I designated as the Kazekage Tower. Unfortunately, there seemed to be someone that would delay us a bit… a certain fourteen-year-old puppet master. Kankuro.

'_Great. He looks like he's going to flirt with me. I doubt he'll last long though.'_

"Hey, what's your name?"

I looked him in the eye, my face showing no emotion. "Cho."

"Out of curiosity, why do you seem depressed?"

'_Oh, so only guys can be emotionless, and girls have to be 'depressed'? Whatever. I suppose I might be a bit from an outside point of view, though.'_

"My brother died not long ago."

"That's too bad… Would you like to go out with me so you can get your mind off of it?"

'_I never thought that Kankuro was really this much of an idiot. It makes me wonder if he'll ever manage to get a girlfriend for any other reason than his brother being Kazekage.'_

"Come back in about three years when a sibling you are close to dies. Until then, leave me alone."

"Wait wha-? Three years, how do you know when… I swear if you touch Temari I'll kill-"

I cut him off to correct him.

"First of all, who said _I _was going to be the one to kill anyone? Second of all, I don't recall saying anything about your _sister_."

The way I said the second sentence made it obvious that it wasn't a denial, but that I was full out telling him that I was _not_ talking about Temari and that I knew she was his sister. And, unless I was very, very mistaken, Kankuro only had _one_ other sibling.

Gaara of the Desert, Demon of the Sand, Weapon of Suna. Sabaku no Gaara, if you wanted the Japanese form of his name.

I glanced at the faces of the two siblings. Apparently they couldn't fathom caring that much about Gaara. I mentally shrugged before turning to Temari.

"You said you were going to take me to the Kazekage…?" I said, reminding her about her previous goal before she was nonplussed by how I answered Kankuro.

She turned her head to me, getting her mind back on track. "Right."

Temari walked off and I followed. Kankuro was still standing there still trying to work out my wording.

It wasn't long until we came to the Kazekage tower. It was enormous and a little intimidating. I can only imagine that spies and enemies would want to avoid it.

The two of us entered the towering building. Across from us was a man at a desk who glanced up as we approached.

"We're here to see the Kazekage," Temari said calmly but with an air of command that most shinobi possess, especially those from the Sand with their tough training.

The man behind the counter nodded towards a door to our left, signaling that we had permission to enter. I followed behind Temari as she went through the indicated door after knocking quickly.

Looking at the Fourth Kazekage, I could see resemblances between him and his sons. He looked a lot like Kankuro, though he had some facial features more reminiscent of Gaara. The Kazekage glanced up at us, acknowledging our presence. He signed two more papers before giving us, namely Temari, his full attention.

Temari took the cue and reported in. "I found her," she gestured in my direction, "not too far from the village. She claims to have been near someone testing a jutsu and says she doesn't know what happened, and she herself is not a shinobi. And… and I have reason to believe she knows the future."

* * *

So much for this being a crack fic, hm? Yeah... I make things too serious. But apparently I make my friend giggle, so it's all good. Again, I thank her for helping me. She gave me the idea for the encounter with Lee. (Sorry if I messed up his personality... he is HARD to write!). Sorry about any OOC characters.


	4. Job

**When All Else Fails, Hit the Fangirl - Chapter Four: Job**

* * *

"_Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams_

* * *

_**-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-** _

_I ran off to catch up with Akuma, hearing Gai yelling something about youth to Lee a ways behind me. I finally caught up with her, she was walking at a fast pace._

* * *

"Hey, Akuma… where are we going?" I asked as I did my best to keep up with my friend.

"Away from _them_." Wow. She really hated those two, didn't she? Poor Lee.

Akuma just kept walking in the general direction of '_away_'.

I glanced at her skeptically. "We're lost, aren't we?"

My question was met with an unnerving silence as Akuma kept walking.

My blue-eyed friend stopped suddenly, causing me to almost run into her - she's been doing that a lot recently. Her head was turned to the left, looking at something with an observing kind of expression. I looked in the same direction to see that the man I recognized as Ino's father was looking at Akuma. Apparently, somehow, they had caught each other's attention.

Ino's father, Yamanaka something, spoke up. "Are you lost?"

The two of us responded at the same time.

"No."

"Yes."

Akuma turned and glared at me for admitting we were lost. We were and we both knew it but Akuma's pride made her deny it.

We both turned our attention to Ino's father who started speaking again.

"I noticed you've gone down this street twice already."

I shot an accusing glare at Akuma, challenging her to say that she knew that and had done it deliberately. She answered my glare with her own, except hers said '_you mention it, you die_.'

"Y'know what, Akuma? You remind me of Sasuke."

Her expression changed to something akin to disbelief. "How can I remind you of someone you've never met? You're such an idiot." She shook her head in exasperation.

"Yep. You definitely remind me of Sasuke."

I turned back to Ino's father. "Yeah, we're lost. My name is Neko and this is Akuma. We're new here, though I assume you already know that." I was fishing for his name; it was bugging me that I couldn't remember it.

He smiled, "Yep, you made it obvious. I'm Yamanaka Inoichi."

I mentally slapped my head. Duh, Inoichi, one of the Child/Parent name similarities like Chouji/Chouza, Shino/Shibi, and Shikamaru/Shikato.

I looked at Akuma. "We could just go back the way we came, couldn't we?"

Uh oh, wrong thing to say. "You'd have to knock me unconscious to get me to go back there, and good luck with that, I know how to fight." She was pretty angry.

"Wait… you know taijutsu?" I asked before wiggling my eyebrows suggestively, showing her that I wanted nothing more than to pair her up with a certain taijutsu-using Genin.

"Shut the f**k up about that or I'll see to it that you die a very, very painful death." Well, she got the message.

"Awww, but you'd be cute together!"

Pain erupted on my arm for the third time that day, this time the object - fist - hitting me hit a lot harder.

"OOOOWWWW!!! Why'd you hit me??!! I was just JOKING!!!!!!!" My raised voice was attracting attention, but it's not like I cared in the slightest. But that doesn't mean that I didn't annoy a certain blonde-haired blue-eyed girl who was peacefully daydreaming a minute before.

"What is going _on _out here?! I'm busy, so could you be QUIET?!"

Out of the door of the Yamanaka Flower Shop, which I had only just noticed by the way, came none other than Yamanaka Ino; a very irritated Yamanaka Ino. I wasn't about to back down.

"No, _Akuma_ just _hit_ me for the THIRD TIME TODAY! And on the same spot, too! And HARDER this time!!!" I had a right to complain, I thought. She obviously didn't agree.

"I don't really CARE what your friend did, you probably deserved it! Now be QUIET so I can THINK!!!! Seriously, you are the-"

"Ino." The blue-eyed blonde's father quieted the loud Kunoichi.

Ino's head snapped to her father and she nodded her head reluctantly before heading back inside the flower shop.

_'Pwned.' _…

I've been spending too much time around my brother, haven't I?

Him and his computer games…

Anyway.

* * *

-=-=-=Cho's POV=-=-=-

_Temari took the cue and reported in. "I found her," she gestured in my direction, "not too far from the village. She claims to have been near someone testing a jutsu and says she doesn't know what happened, and she herself is not a shinobi. And… and I have reason to believe she knows the future."  
_

* * *

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anticipating something along these lines to happen. I'd also be lying if I said I expected everything to go smoothly from here. As I predicted, things started getting a little more complicated, even slightly dangerous.

The Kazekage looked me over with his cold gaze before asking his daughter to elaborate on my supposedly knowing the future.

"The future, hm? What makes you think that?"

"She… well, she predicted Gaara's death," Temari fidgeted as she replied, but her voice stayed firm.

No beating around the bush, hm? Admirable.

I figured it was about time to divert attention from Temari to myself.

"Yep, I did. Unfortunately I only know a small amount of the future. I know maybe… the next four years or so? And my knowledge is limited altogether. I know most of the major events that will happen, though, and even some minor ones and some details."

Now to see what this Kage does with the information I've given him.

"Hm, really, now? And how do I know you're not bluffing?"

"The Chuunin Exams are coming up soon, correct? I know how each of the tournament matches will end up."

"I would guess you're not willing to give up your knowledge for free?" I could hear the threat in the Kazekage's voice. Time to try bartering.

"Not for free, no, but I am willing to trade some of my knowledge for certain minor things."

The Kazekage looked me in the eye as if trying to read my mind.

"And what might those things be?"

"I'm not sure exactly, but access to low-level jutsu scrolls- mainly genjutsu and medic jutsu if possible -and being able to go to Konoha for the entire duration of the Chuunin Exams. The larger the thing I want, the more important information I'll give you. Fair is fair. I also want to have your side of any deal carried out first because you can have me killed at any time but I can do nothing to you."

His eyes narrowed showing that he wasn't overly fond of my 'requests'.

"Those are some bold demands you are making."

"And I'm offering knowledge of the future. Of your enemies, allies, anything, if a fair price is paid."

"If your information is not satisfactory I will lock you in prison."

"Fine, like I said, fair is fair."

'_I'm pretty sure I can keep you happy since it's not too long until you're dead and if everything goes well, I'll be in Konoha away from you for a good while. Near-flawless strategy, just like a game of cards. Even the unknown cards are thought of in the plan. Heh, this will be fun. I haven't had a challenging game in a while.'_

"Come back here tomorrow at noon and we'll discuss trades. You're both dismissed."

'_I guess I have to mention it…'_

"Kazekage-sama… I don't have anywhere to stay."

"You can stay with my children. I would guess you already know who they are? And I never got your name."

"Yes, I know who they are. And my name's Cho. Sayonara, Kazekage-sama."

I raised my hand in farewell before heading out the door.

'_That went better than I thought it would. And so the game has begun; my tactics are already at work.'  
_

* * *

**-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

I wanted nothing more than to see exactly how much pain I could inflict on Neko, but I figured it wouldn't go over so well with Inoichi right in front of us.

_'Yeah… I'd rather not run into Ibiki just yet, and especially not if it's my own fault. I guess I'll settle for imagining ways to kill my annoying travel companion. Just until there are no witnesses. When there's no one to see, Neko had better start praying.'_

Inoichi's voice broke me from my thoughts.

"So where were you trying to get to?"

I gave a small shudder and made sure to reply before Neko could. I didn't think the entire truth was necessary here.

"I guess we're looking for a job and a place to live for a while, however long we're here."

"I could take you to Hokage-sama who could find you a place to live, and as for a job, my wife needs more helpers in the flower shop now that our daughter, Ino, has graduated the academy. Just come by sometime tomorrow if you're interested."

I had a distinct feeling of dread originating from where Neko stood. I slowly turned my head, expecting the worst.

'_Shit.'_

She had that look in her eye again and she acted on impulse before I could stop her in time. I settled for smacking my forehead in irritation as Neko yelled her thanks at the top of her lungs… after jump-hugging Inoichi. I sighed. And I started plotting her death when she knocked me to the ground with a hug and started ranting about her goals or whatever.

_'Hmmm… giving Neko the Death by a Thousand Cuts sounds really good about now.'_

Neko apparently sensed my wish to kill her because she quickly got off of me.

"Sorry, Akuma!"

I gave her another glare which conveyed my thoughts of torture and death.

Her eyes widened and she took a few steps backwards as her face paled.

I smirked, again satisfied with her reaction.

* * *

…This was originally supposed to be more or less a crack fic. I really make things too serious and I work too hard to make them realistic and make sense, don't I? Or is it that I think too far ahead for a crack fic? Hmm… the mysteries of life. Yeah, this is a shorter chapter, but it was kind of rushed and I'm not really sure what's going to happen with Akuma and Neko for the next few chapters. After that I have it all planned out, but not until then.

Please review!


	5. Progress

**

* * *

**

When All Else Fails, Hit the Fangirl - Chapter Five

_

* * *

_

_"Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once." - Evan Esar_

_**

* * *

**_

**-=-=-=Cho's POV=-=-=-**

_'If I was a ninja family living in the desert, where would I put the bread…?'_

"Getting a midnight snack, are we?"

I turned my head to see Temari standing, hands on hips, a few feet behind me with a small smirk adorning her features.

"Yep. I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, I wasn't in bed yet."

"What about Kankuro?"

"Him? He can sleep through anything."

"I figured as much, but you never know for sure."

"Is this a habit or am I lucky?"

"It's a habit, though most of the time I grab something earlier in the evening and save it for when I get hungry. I usually only need one small meal in the middle of the night, it doesn't take much food to fill me."

"Don't sleep much?"

"No. Typically no more than three or four hours a night, often less."

Temari seemed to have decided to let that piece of information be, instead reverting back to the original topic of conversation.

"Need help finding the food?"

"Yes. I'm looking for bread and something to put on it."

She came to where I was and pointed out what was in the different cabinets.

"Well, the bread's here, you can usually find the peanut butter here -unless Kankuro steals it-, there's the refrigerator, the silverware is in that drawer and the dishes are right above it."

"Thanks," I grabbed everything I needed for peanut butter bread. I was pretty easy to please when it came to food.

* * *

**-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-  
**

_'Must. Maintain. Optimism… Cannot. Think. Pessimistically… Must. Stay. Optimistic. At. All. Costs.'_

I finally got away from Akuma and her threats, but instead I was stuck with a pink-haired annoyance-I mean… a girl who I am sure I will get along with just fine.

I'd rather be staying with the same person Akuma is. That'd be pretty damn awesome; she's lucky. Of course, she probably feels like fate hates her. I don't get why she doesn't like Anko; Anko seems pretty awesome to me. I would think the two sadists would get along well, but apparently they're too different.

Hehe.

I can't wait to see how Akuma feels in the morning after spending the night at the house of someone I'm sure she considers her worst enemy.

Then again…

I'm not sure just how much of this pink terror I can stand. Looking at her now, she actually becomes a decent ninja in the future? If I didn't have proof I wouldn't believe it.

Haruno Sakura and Yamanaka Ino… two girls who don't seem like they could ever be good ninja. Shows how much people can change, doesn't it?

Hey…

Does that mean that Akuma may eventually stop being a pessimist?

…

…

…

Yeah, right.

I let my mind shift back to the present only to see Pinkie ranting about something girly.

Whoops…

…She was talking to me?

I pulled the quilt over my head where I was laying on a mattress on the floor. Ignoring the girl with the magical pink hair, I finally tuned out the world and fell asleep.

**

* * *

**

**-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-  
**

_'Must… Refrain… From… Killing… The… Annoying… Snake… Lady!!!'_

I'm sure she could see my pain. She was enjoying this, that freak.

I was never going to get to sleep tonight.

Ugh, that annoying, freaky, sadistic snake lady.

Ranting on various annoying subjects while I'm sure she understood perfectly that I wanted to kill her in order to silence her.

But both of us knew that she was a shinobi and I wasn't.

I grabbed my pillow as I flopped on the bed and held it around my ears.

She just started yelling louder.

Damn it all.

* * *

**-=-=-=Cho's POV=-=-=-**

"The Kazekage has requested your presence," stated the wind-using kunoichi who stood at the door of the room I was staying in.

It's not like she woke me up, I had already been awake for a couple hours, working with my chakra. It must've been about six in the morning when I woke up; a habit from school.

I stood up and followed Temari to the Kazekage's office where we had gone yesterday. It was time for the first exchange. Now I get to see whether I will be able to win this game or if I will lose right from the start. Not that it matters much. After all, my life is the only one at stake.

We made our way to the door on the left after getting permission from the Chuunin, same as yesterday, and entered after a quick knock to alert him to our presence.

The two of us went in the room where the Kazekage was sitting at his desk working on some papers; undoubtedly things dealing with missions and perhaps alliances.

The Kazekage looked up at Temari and me and I could tell by his smug look that he expected to be able to get me to do whatever he wanted using his 'superior intelligence' which all teenagers apparently lack. Just because I was fourteen didn't mean I was an idiot. Look at Shikamaru; a twelve year old who could outwit the majority of the population of the entire world, adults or no. If the Kazekage was stupid enough to trust Orochimaru, I figured I was alright.

Kazekage-sama reached into a drawer in a drawer near himself to pull out two scrolls and set them on the edge of the desk closest to where Temari and I stood, then motioning for me to take them. I took a couple steps forward and picked up the scrolls, briefly looking at them to see that one had Academy to low Chuunin level genjutsu while the other scroll held what was dubbed 'level one' medical jutsu. I nodded and stepped back, scrolls in hand, obviously waiting for him to name the amount of information he wanted.

"Tell me what happens with the invasion we will be launching on Konoha in the Chuunin exams," he stated, staring me down, probably trying to intimidate me into giving him all the information I had.

It wasn't working.

But I already planned to tell him some.

"No one in Konoha suspects anything, and if anyone did it'd be a genius Genin who would find it too troublesome to tell anyone if he noticed something suspicious because it'd drag him in to a lot of troubles. The Sound come in as planned, Orochimaru successfully kills the Sandaime Hokage, and snake summons wreak havoc on the Leaf."

The Kazekage narrowed his eyes at me slightly, noting the lack of details and the end result of the invasion, but he nods anyway, dismissing Temari and me.

Another step gone flawlessly as planned. It looked like I was going to win this tricky game of cards.

* * *

**-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

He knew. I could tell that Hokage b*stard knew perfectly well how I felt towards the two freaky taijutsu masters, but he stuck me with that team anyway. Yes, I did want to train, but with anyone other than those two! With any luck, though, I could spend most of my time with Tenten and Neji, the people who are actually sane.

I made my way to the training grounds, occasionally checking the sketched map from the Hokage Tower to the meeting place with team Gai, the team I was to train with since apparently I was to mainly train my taijutsu skills as well as learning weapons.

_'What if I wanted to learn ninjutsu or genjutsu, ne, teme?'_

I hate that Hokage.

"Ah, Akuma-chan has made it!"

How a shinobi of greeny's caliber managed not to sense what I'm sure was thick, pure, obvious killing intent as I glared at him is beyond me. I wanted to kill that bakayarou, that cursed idiot.

A female voice broke me from my murderous thoughts; thank Jashin that his teammate is smarter than him.

"She looks like she might kill you, Lee, so you should probably be careful."

Unfortunately the baka isn't smart enough to listen to a teammate's warning. A perfectly sensible warning.

"Nonsense! Akuma-chan is a beautiful night flower that has come to train in taijutsu and prove the power of youth!"

I was just surprised that mega-greeny who was standing a little to the side hadn't gone one way or the other, either supporting Lee or agreeing with Tenten. I wasn't complaining.

But I was so going to kill that bakayarou with his insufferable idiocy.

I could tell as my eyes passed over his face briefly that Neji knew perfectly well just how much I wanted to kill the hyperactive, youth-obsessed genin, and he would find no problem with me doing just that.

Unfortunately their sensei would, so I held myself back.

For now.

I walked up to the team, and I mumbled a warning as I passed the Hyuuga.

"Watch out for Neko, Byakugan or not, even if you're a prodigy you'll never be able to escape her if she finds you and is determined to stick with you. Just avoid her. If you don't avoid her you'll start wishing you had listened to this warning. Trust me."

With that I grudgingly started my taijutsu lessons, diligently only listening to the commands of how many of what exercises and how to do certain attacks, filtering out 'youth' and all that other shit.

* * *

**-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-**

OMG…

OMG.

OMG!

O!M!G!!!

I'm with Kashi-chan's team!

Kashi-chan!

And Naru-kun!

…And Pinkie…

But Naru-kun!

And… and… KASHI-CHAN!!!!

And Chicken Butt. =3

But Naru-kun… and Kashi-chan!

Okay, Kashi-chan wasn't there yet, but…

_'I GET TO HEAR ONE OF HIS EXCUSES FIRSTHAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'_

I was on the 'meeting bridge' for team seven literally bouncing with happiness. Pinkie looked at me confused, Chicken Butt-teme ignored me, and Naru-kun was ranting happily to me about ramen and whatever else came to his mind.

I jumped in surprise when there was a puff of smoke to my left. I turned and saw Kashi-chan crouched on the rail of the bridge, a hand held up in greeting. I couldn't help but grin, waiting for the sure-to-come excuse.

"Sorry I'm late, I came across a lost puppy and had to look all over the village to find its owner."

I grinned as his two… outspoken students yelled in unison, "LIAR!!"

…

It's amazing how they never agree on anything except when it comes to their sensei, isn't it?

But I couldn't help myself, I had to ask.

"What kind of puppy was it?"

"It was a cute one."

"That only describes all of the puppies in the world. Thanks for narrowing it down," I smirked as I quoted my sarcastic video-game-loving older brother.

His eye turned up as he smiled.

"You're the girl Hokage-sama told me about. Neko, right?"

"Yep!"

"Well, team, let's get started," he said, clapping his hands together. "Sasuke, you can start teaching Neko taijutsu."

"WHAT?? WHY AM I STUCK WITH CHICKEN BUTT HAIR?!?!"

Said Chicken Butt Hair glared at me, and I couldn't tell if it was because he was paired with me, because of what I said, or a fair combination of both. I can truthfully say I felt about the same. I like Naru-kun and Kashi-kun, but Chicken Butt… I don't like him. He's evil. EVIL, I SAY. Akuma disagrees. But I think that's because she's in love with Itachi and therefore does not want to admit that Uchiha suck.

I grudgingly followed Chicken Butt as Team Seven headed for the training grounds.

Hehe…

_'I'm gonna be a ninja.'_

* * *

Well, I updated.

* * *


	6. Pouting

**Chapter Six: Pouting**

* * *

"_Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting." - John Russell_

* * *

**-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-**

I let out a pained groan as I flopped face-down onto my makeshift bed in pinkie's room. Learning taijutsu from Sasuke, well, let's just say it's probably only slightly better than when Hinata was -or will be?- almost killed by her cousin. Bruises and sore muscles…. Ugh…

'_Wait, I need to be optimistic… ummm… I'm gonna be a ninja… Yay?'_

I stared depressed at my pillow for a few minutes before I had the most amazing of all ideas that ever idea'd. An evil grin formed on my face, one worthy of Akuma.

'_I'll find him tomorrow and I __**will**__ read that book of his. Icha Icha Paradise… I'm finally gonna know what that book is.'_

* * *

-=-=-=**Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

I let out a pained groan as I flopped face-down onto my bed. Yes, I was sore from training, but it wouldn't have been anywhere _near_ so bad if it wasn't for the damned snake-lady yelling at the top of her lungs, acting oh-so *innocent* and pretending she just wanted to make friends with me.

That sadist.

…

Not that I was really one to talk.

'_Let's look on the bright side for once… I can take it all out on Lee tomorrow at training.'_

I smiled -an evil smile, but a smile is a smile- at the thought.

* * *

**-=-=-=Cho's POV=-=-=-**

I released a small sigh as I sat down on the bed in the room I was staying in at the Sand Siblings' house. Chakra control training can be exhausting, though luckily I had naturally good chakra control. From what I understood, most girls did. Part of my exhaustion might have been due to my wind-chakra training as well, but I only did enough of that to learn that I was, in fact, wind-element.

The rest of my time was spent studying the medic-jutsu scrolls, committing everything to memory so hopefully I could use it first try since there was no way to practice since I didn't manage to get any bruises from training or anything.

'_Tomorrow I'll start on basic physical training…'_

* * *

**-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-**

"What'cha reading?"

Hatake Kakashi looked up from where he sat on a bench, reading his Icha Icha Paradise.

"Nothing that you're allowed to read."

Little did Kashi-chan know that the person talking to him was only a shadow clone and the actual me was sneaking up behind him to read over his shoulder.

I was just about to peek over his shoulder when he erupted into smoke…

…or maybe he did know…

Damn.

* * *

**-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

Whoops…

I may have forgotten to mention to Tenten that the reason I wanted to borrow her kunai scrolls was so that I could harass her teammate.

What…? I was improving my aim, so what did it matter? Lee thought it was all a happy training exercise and I was constantly getting closer to hitting him; it was a win-win situation.

I needed _some_ way to vent my frustration that was caused by the freak of a snake lady and this worked just fine.

I smirked as I missed Lee by no more than a millimeter.

I liked _this_ game.

* * *

**-=-=-=Cho's POV=-=-=-**

I learned something today.

My skill is in genjutsu and ninjutsu, not taijutsu.

I wasn't going to give up on my training, but I wasn't going to have high hopes for my hand-to-hand fighting skills, either.

As stared at the ceiling I began to think about my two friends and hope that they weren't killing each other. That would be slightly disheartening and then there'd be no one to make a team with for the Chuunin Exams.

I sighed.

* * *

Very, very sorry for the short chapter. But more will be coming soon!


	7. Oh So Close

**When All Else Fails, Hit the Fangirl - Chapter Seven: Oh-So-Close**

* * *

"_The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.__"- Russell Baker_

* * *

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=_**Timeskip**_=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

* * *

**-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-**

'_Now where would give me the best view and the greatest chance of humiliating Chicken-kun?'_

I was pretty sure today was the day when puppet guy – Konkaru, or something – was going to threaten Konohamaru-kun. I was scouting out the area. I wanted to be able to watch while somehow messing up Sasuke from trying to look cool with his whole throw-the-rock thing.

When I got to the place, I found something I didn't expect. I held my breath so as not to _'disturb the scene'_ with what would have been loud laughter.

It took an entire five minutes to calm down from my not-quite-laughing fit. I somehow managed to stay silent the whole time, but it wasn't easy! This was just so **damn **_**funny**_!

Y'know how Sasuke looked all kick-ass when the Sand Nin were threatening Konohamaru-kun? And how he was all full of himself sitting in the tree somehow managing to be there at the right time?

Well, you want to know the truth?

…Sasuke. Was. _Sleeping_.

The great Uchiha wasn't trying to make sure his village was safe, he wasn't even training! Chicken-ass was sitting in the tree taking a _nap_. A **nap**!

How's that for the great Uchiha pride, hm?

Now if only I had a camera…

* * *

**-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

'_Mwahahahahahahahahaha….'_

Lee was **so** dead next the time he annoyed me.

I'd been practicing with senbon.

And I managed to convince the snake lady to give me some of her poisons to use.

Senbon + Poison = Dead Lee

I positioned myself a few yards away from a training post – _poor training post_ – before forming hand seals; _Tiger (Tora)… Snake (Hebi)… Monkey (Saru)… Boar (Ousa Buta)… Horse (Uma)… Tiger (Tora)…_

"**Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu!"**

A breathed a fireball towards the training post giving it a, well, burnt appearance.

Yeah, I know, I stole that technique from Uchiha-teme, but I'm a fire type and I don't like asking people for help. Unfortunately ninjutsu wasn't my thing; even _Neko_ was many times better at it than I was. I had okay genjutsu and good skill in taijutsu, though, so I figured I was pretty well off.

'_Damn it, who's making that noise?!'_

I turned to see Sakura yelling at Naruto-baka and his little annoying friend – Konohamaru, I believe – before chasing them. It was that time already? Hn.

'_I should probably go so that Neko doesn't get herself killed.'_

* * *

**-=-=-=Cho's POV=-=-=-**

'_Are all the Kage this stupid?'_

I was in Konoha. From here on out the Kazekage wouldn't be any problem at all. It was too easy; I had hoped there would be at least some small challenge in this game, something I didn't expect, but everything went smoothly. Of course, I still had to get through the Chuunin Exams.

'That_ might offer some challenge, then.'_

I cast a simple genjutsu around myself to avoid being seen as I followed Temari and Kankuro. I was almost sure that this was going to be the run-in with Naruto's and Konohamaru's teams, and if I knew Neko and Akuma, they would both be there as well. With any luck things would go smoothly and I would be able to convince the Hokage to let the three of us be on one team for the Chuunin Exams.

I doubted it would be difficult.

But I could hope, right?

* * *

**-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-**

'_Strings: check. Rocks: check. Kunai: check. All set.'_

This was going to kick ass.

What, you ask?

Well, you see, Sasuke falling gracelessly out of a tree would do wonders for my own personal self esteem, and I would be willing to bet Naru-kun feels the same way.

"Neko."

Akuma's whispered… announcement of her arrival, for lack of a better way to put it, nearly made me set off the prank! What good would Sasuke falling out of the tree do if no one was around to see it?

I turned toward Akuma to see her looking at my system of traps. She turned back to me with a not-evil smirk on her face.

"Nicely done, baka, I hope this works, it'll be cool."

I grinned at the praise. Getting that amount of praise from Akuma was like getting Cho to laugh, and not in the 'this-is-ironic-obviously-fate-hates-me' way.

Akuma had that sadistic grin, and it was so much nicer to see when the evil intent was focused on the target of my pranking rather than on me. I actually was starting to feel sorry for Duck-chan!

…

Okay, not really, but I can pretend, right?

I looked at the road from where I was perched behind the tree and saw Konkaru a long ways down the road.

"Hey, Akuma," I whispered, "it's not long until Konkaru runs into Konohamaru-kun!"

"Baka!" she hit me lightly on the head, "It's KAN-KU-RO! Kankuro!"

"I was close!" I whisper-yelled, rubbing my head.

'_Here they are!'_

Konohamaru and Co. was running full speed away from the pink-haired menace and just a couple seconds later the collision happened.

Konkaru- *ahem* -Kankuro looked down with a glare.

Kankaru – gah! – KANKURO picked up Kono-kun who yelled in surprise. I wanted to kick makeup-boy's ass, but I was busy; I had to keep an eye on Chicken-kun. This would be _so_ worth it, after all.

"That hurt, brat!"

Naruto took a step forward before yelling, "Konohamaru!"

Ari-chan (Temari) tried to stop doll-boy, "Stop it, we'll get yelled at later."

'_Ah, Pinkie's gonna speak up, it looks like. Gah! Must. Stay. Focused. On. Duck-chan!'_

"I'm sorry I was messing around, this is my fault…"

"Hey, fat ass! Let go of him!!"

And that was the ever-subtle Naru-kun.

Kunkoro – damn it – Kankuro! Lifted Konohamaru-kun higher.

"Let's play a little before he gets here."

'_Uh-oh, he's waking up.'_

I quickly pulled the string which then caused a kunai to cut the branch Sasu-gay was sitting on. End result: Chicken-butt flat on the ground!

I looked at Naruto and Sakura. Sakura's eyes slowly widened in horror until they were comically wide and Naruto processed it for a couple seconds, gears turning, before bursting out laughing at his unlucky teammate.

Duck-butt, unfortunately, was not amused and quickly looked in my direction, seeing me. I turned to my left to see Akuma had disappeared.

…

I'm gonna get her for that.

But seeing that Chicken-kun wanted to kill me, I jumped off the fence and ran past the Sand Siblings, planning to get as far away as possible from the angry Uchiha.

I was a few feet behind Ari-chan when I apparently tripped on nothing and ended up face-first in the dirt.

I heard a slight thud beside me but when I looked no one – nothing – was there. Except dirt, but that was there before the thud sound.

* * *

**-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

I looked where my idiotic companion tripped and heard the following 'thud' so I went to help my friend up. Not Neko, the other friend. You know, the one using an invisibility genjutsu.

Neko – and Temari and Kankuro and Konohamaru (still held by Kankuro) and Konohamaru's team and Team Seven and probably Gaara as well, though it's impossible to tell with him and nobody but me and Cho knew he was there – looked at me strangely as I offered my hand to seemingly thin air and pulled my arm back bringing seemingly nothing. In reality I'd offered my hand to Cho who had fallen on the ground when run into by Neko and she grabbed my hand and I pulled her up.

Neko's curiosity got the best of her. Let's hope that she doesn't die just because her name means 'cat'.

"Ummm… what just happened?"

"It's called an invisibility genjutsu. If you're gonna be Cho's friend you'd probably better get used to it, idiot."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?!"

I looked towards Cho who was very slightly visible against the daytime road. At night she'd be completely invisible.

She sighed audibly before bringing her hand up in half a Tiger _(Tora)_ seal and dispelling it with a "Kai".

"Oh… weeeeeeeiiiiiird."

"You're just jealous, Neko, that I at least have some genjutsu skill and Cho has a lot of genjutsu skill while you have none."

I smirked at the glare the blonde gave me.

I locked eyes with the friend I could actually stand. "I take it you somehow manipulated the Kazekage to let you come here?"

"You doubted me?"

"No, I just wasn't sure if you even wanted to come."

Before Cho could reply, the insufferable baka (the blonde female one, in case there was any question about who exactly) spoke up.

"She knows that if the two of us are left alone too long we'd mess something up."

I glared at her for even suggesting such a thing.

Cho, however, supported the blonde. "She's right, actually."

Cho looked over my shoulder and I followed her gaze to see Kankuro apparently planning to throw Konohamaru, or some such thing. Neither of us had to do anything, though, because Gaara took care of it for us.

"Kankuro, stop it."

"G-Gaara…"

"MR. SANDMAN!!!!!"

I mentally facepalmed; so much for keeping Neko from getting herself killed. At least she wasn't – oh shit she was going to and it's too late to stop her.

I gave Cho a very clear 'I'm not cleaning up her body' look.

What had me thinking of Neko as more stupid than usual? She had run up and hugged Gaara. She had _hugged_ **Gaara**.

Before Gaara had a chance to process this sudden unusual happening I walked up and grabbed the back of Neko's shirt, pulling her away.

I looked over my shoulder to see Temari and Kankuro (and Team Seven and the Konohamaru Corps) looking just as shocked as Gaara. Though when Gaara looks surprised it's about five times more than when anyone else looks like that.

* * *

I'm pathetic. Shame on me, I can't even motivate myself to write the second half of a chapter I've already started but I can start a whole new chapter of Hit the Fangirl! People were reviewing more than usual and that motivated me… Ugh! Oh, well… I'm trying to switch my hobbies around and be a little less lazy. I'll try to write more.

Sorry for the short chapter, this seemed a good place to stop.

I'm also going to put this story on temporary pause which basically means I'm gonna write some on my other stories and this will no longer be top priority. If I get an unusual amount of reviews for this chapter (ten or so) I'd consider making this top priority, but I also need to work on Unexpected Circumstances, Where Shadows Dwell, Edward Elric and the Mad King's War, and Flip the Hourglass (which is the one I've written half of the next chapter).

**

* * *

**

**Review question:**

**Who's your favorite?** Neko, Akuma, or Cho? Any specific reason? 


	8. Team

**When All Else Fails, Hit the Fangirl – Chapter Eight: Team**

* * *

"_Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world." – R. D. Laing_

* * *

**-=-=-=Cho's POV=-=-=-**

The Hokage looked at us. We had just decided that the three of us – Akuma, Neko, and me – were going to be a team in the Chuunin Exams. I already guessed what the Hokage said next, though Neko and Akuma didn't care for that idea.

"If you're going to be a team in the Chuunin Exams, you need a Jounin sensei to nominate you."

"WHAT!!??!!"

I looked over at Neko. Of course _she_ would find something wrong with that plan. Akuma, however, asked a perfectly reasonable question.

"Who's our sensei gonna be?"

* * *

**-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

The Hokage looked at me.

"I believe you already know her, Akuma."

_Shit._

"Please say it's not..."

His look changed to that of pure evil. Well, to me anyway because I knew this guy loved making me suffer. To anyone else it looked like he was simply observing.

"Mitarashi Anko."

"DAMN YOU EFFING BASTARD!!! YOU SADIST!!!"

"YAY!! WE GET AWESOME SNAKE LADY!!!!!"

I turned around and punched Neko hard. I smirked in satisfaction as she slammed against the wall. Unfortunately she didn't stay there and instead made it clear (by dancing) that she thought Anko as a Jounin sensei was the best thing that had happened to her today – other than perhaps glomping Gaara.

I gave the Hokage a final glare before stomping out of his office.

* * *

**-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-**

'_Yes! We got Anko! She's awesome!'_

I brought my left hand into a half-Ram seal and poofed away. I was only a shadow clone, after all. I knew I was going to be so happy when I learned about this.

**

* * *

**

**-=-=-=Cho's POV=-=-=-**

With both of my comrades gone I turned to the Hokage.

"Does Anko-san know about this?"

"No, you can go tell her."

"Hai, Hokage-sama."

I exited the room and decided to check the first place I thought of: Konoha's highest-quality dango stand. My mind absently touched on the idea that if I had more emotion I'd probably fear for my life, but I ignored that thought and continued on my way.

Indeed, she was at the dango stand.

"Anko-san."

I quickly crouched to avoid the dango-sticks-turned-senbon that narrowly missed the top of my head.

"I don't have time to talk to Genin, especially ones from other villages. Can't you see I'm busy?"

I wondered how she knew I was from another village when she didn't even look to see the headband around my waist, but I dismissed it as a Jounin thing. Standing up I explained my presence.

"Anko-san, Hokage-sama sent me to tell you that you've been chosen as the Jounin sensei for a team made up of me and two Leaf Genin. I believe you already know Neko and Akuma."

"I don't have time to teach brats," Anko glared at me before tossing the last of her dango sticks which I sidestepped before explaining more.

"You don't have to teach us –we've been learning on our own or learning from another team–, you just need to nominate us for the Chuunin Exams. Besides, I'm sure Akuma doesn't want to spend more time around you than needed."

The Kunoichi looked at me suspiciously, "So all I have to do is nominate you for the Exams, and then I don't have to bother with you anymore…?"

"That sounds about right," I smiled.

She glared at me again before sighing in acceptance.

"Fine, I'll go talk to Hokage-sama. You owe me, brat," with that Anko brought her hand up in a half-Ram seal and poofed away.

I sighed.

It's not like I interrupted something important…

I then decided that I would never understand people no matter how hard I tried.

* * *

**-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

"Never piss off an Uchiha."

Neko looked at me. "What?"

"I was thinking about some times that Sasuke got pissed off and noticed all the death, fire, and destruction."

"Well, I say that's nice and all, but it's Hyuuga that you don't want to piss off."

"What? _Hyuuga_?"

"Yep. Couldn't they pretty much kill you with a couple of taps?"

I thought for a moment and sighed, "I hate to admit it, but you have a point. Uchiha are _still_ more dangerous, though!"

"How are they more dangerous?"

"Uchiha can," I started counting off my points, "one: predict movements. Two: learn a variety of techniques meaning they are likely able to use your weakness. Three: use very powerful jutsu with the Mangekyou Sharingan or the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan. Any other questions?"

I was not going to be beaten by this idiot, no matter _how_ many good points she had!

"Yes, actually… how would that help him beat Neji-kun?"

"…So _that's_ why you're defending the Hyuuga… Who's 'him'?"

"Sasuke, of course! Anyone else wouldn't be fair having years more experience over Nii-chan. Tachi-kun was ANBU captain at thirteen. Nii-chan is thirteen and only a Genin. "

"Even Sasuke could easily beat a Hyuuga. Uchiha win," I smirked. Of _course_ Sasuke could beat Neji!

"You're just saying that because you like Tachi-chan! Admit it! Hyuuga are better!" Neko practically yelled.

I glared at her.

"I do _not_ like Itachi and Hyuuga are _not_ better! Woohoo, they can see through walls. Amazing."

"What about Nara?"

The two of us turned to see the new arrival, or, rather, _not_ see. A chocolate ice cream cone was floating in midair coming toward us being licked away by an invisible being.

"So, Cho, are you practicing selecting what the invisibility jutsu covers and what it doesn't?"

"Yes. I got each of you an ice cream cone," she stated.

Neko answered before I could, "Oooh! Thanks!"

I rolled my eyes and reached my hand out toward Cho for the ice cream cone or cones, since Neko would drop it if given to her by an invisible person.

I took the two now-visible ice cream cones given to me and handed the vanilla one to Neko, keeping the strawberry one for myself. Back to business, "What was it you were saying about Nara?"

Cho's answered thoughtfully, "Well, Hyuuga and Uchiha, especially Neji and Sasuke, tend to get mad during a fight and attack without thinking. Shikamaru, however, is calm and always logical, even when getting revenge. But, since you two seem to be trying to figure out which eye technique is the better one, I suppose Nara don't really count."

Neko spoke up again, "Ne, Cho! Who do you think would win? Nii-chan or Chicken-kun?"

"Sasuke, obviously," I muttered.

"Choooooo? Who would wiiiiiiiinnnnn?"

Cho sighed and the last bite of ice cream cone disappeared. It was then that I noticed Neko had already eaten hers. That would explain some of the hyper-ness… I was only halfway through mine.

"I'm not sure who would win. It depends on what point in time you're talking about. Now? After Sasuke learns the Chidori? After Sasuke goes to Orochimaru?"

"Now!"

"Neko, shut up. Now wouldn't be fair because Neji has Kaiten while Sasuke doesn't even have Chidori yet. I say after Sasuke learns Chidori."

"Okaaaaaayyyy… So, Choooooo? Who would wiiiiiiiinnnnn?"

"Probably whoever had more reason to kill the other."

I looked at where Cho was, though I couldn't see her. "You mean if we got Neji and Sasuke pissed at each other but Sasuke was more pissed, Sasuke would win?"

"Probably."

"But that's not faaaaiiiiiiiiirrrr! Nii-chan haaaaaas to wiiiiiiiiiinnnn!"

"Look, Neko, let's wait until Sasuke learns the Chidori and then we'll get them pissed at each other and they'll have an awesome fight, kay?"

"Okaaaaaayyy!"

I face palmed. "You shouldn't have given her the ice cream, Cho."

"Yes I should. If I hadn't she would've gotten some herself and who _knows_ how much she would have gotten."

I couldn't deny that logic.

* * *

**-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-**

I stopped suddenly while Akuma just walked around me and continued on. I heard Cho pause somewhere beside me.

"Uh-oh."

Akuma turned around, "What?"

"I forgot the teeeeaaaaam meeeeetiiiiiiing!!! I'm gonna be later than Kashi-chaaaaaaaaaaaan!"

"I find that hard to believe. Really, who could be later than Kakashi?"

"I have to agree with Akuma, Neko, if you go now you're not likely to be late."

"Choooooo?"

"Yeah?"

"Which way is the briiiiiiiiiidge?"

"Kai," yay, she was visible! She then pointed down a side street, "Straight that way."

"Thaaaaaaanks, Chooooo! Bye byyye!"

I ran off that way hoping that I wasn't _too_ late. When I saw only Naru-chan, Pinkie, and Duck-kun, I walked up while Sakura said in an annoying matter-of-fact way, "You're late."

"I was getting a new teeeeaaam!"

'_Awww, the sugar is wearing off…'_

Ducky-kun just glared at me before turning away. Yeah, Ducky-kun, you just _glare_ your little heart out.

"Yo! Sorry I'm late, I-"

"LIAR!!!" the three of us shouted out, not even giving him a chance to 'explain'.

Kakashi started up again, "To the point, then," he eye-smiled, "I entered you three for the Chuunin Exams! I've got the forms here. I believe Mitarashi-san already entered Neko and her team, right?"

"Yep! The cool-snake-lady entered us! We're gonna be awesome!"

"Okay… now, team," he handed the slips of paper to his three Genin, "fill these out if you wish to participate. It's your choice, you don't have to enter. I'm gonna go now, things to do. Ja!"

I stared at the smoke left over from his 'poof' and started walking in hopes of finding my friends.

It was time to rub it in Akuma's face that I could do all sorts of ninjutsu while she could only manage to pull off one.

Then a thought occurred to me.

'_What are we gonna do about Orochimaru and Sasuke? Are Cho and Akuma gonna let Ducky-chan leave? That would make Naru-chan sad… but what would happen if we kept him here? I've gotta find Cho.'_

I had to know the plans.

* * *

I got eleven reviews. That motivated me to write another chapter of this fanfiction.

Sorry that it was pretty boring, but this is just a transition chapter and the next will (hopefully) be better.

Now I have a question.

This story is my top priority, so it'll be updated more.

**Should Sasuke get the cursed seal? Should Sasuke leave for Orochimaru? **(He can leave without getting the cursed seal.)** Are there any specific things which you think should happen in the Forest of Death? Should someone else get a cursed seal instead of **(or as well as)** Sasuke? **

I already have some planned, but I want suggestions and ideas. I don't have the most creative mind.

Reviews motivate me. Really. If I don't get any reviews I feel like it was pathetic and writing more will just waste other peoples' time. (My confidence level rivals Hinata's.)

Sorry, ignore me… but review, please!


	9. Test

**When All Else Fails, Hit the Fangirl – Chapter Nine: Test**

* * *

"_If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you have never tried before."_

* * *

**-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-**

"Hey you guys, you should be quieter. You're rookies just out of the academy, right? Screaming like school girls… geez… This isn't a picnic."

I turned to see the cute-but-evil guy known as Kabuto. Just because he was cute didn't mean I liked him, though. "Who do you think you are, huh?"

"I'm Kabuto. But instead of that, look behind you. Those guys from the Hidden Rain have short tempers."

"Akuma has a short temper."

"Shut up, Neko, I only threaten you that often because you're annoying that often. Okay?"

"But you threaten me all the time!"

"Exactly," she turned back to Kabuto-teme, probably planning his death. She does that with people a lot. I don't mind it, though, as long as she sticks with the bad guys.

"Everyone is nervous about the exam, quiet down before you cause a scene. Well, I can't blame you. You're clueless rookies. You remind me of how I used to be."

"Yeah, clueless," I paused. "Haven't you taken this exam like six times before or something?"

"Yes, I have. How did you know?"

I smirked even though smirking was more of Akuma's thing. "You could say I have an interest in _snakes_."

Kabuto-teme carefully kept a blank face, pretending not to make the connections between himself and snakes.

Jerk.

Sakura seemed to be more interested in information, "Wow, so you know a lot about this exam."

"That's right. I'll share some info with you cute rookies with these nin-info cards."

"Nin-info cards?"

"They're basically cards which have information burned on them with chakra. I have four years' worth of cards, over 200. They look blank, though, unless I use my chakra. For example…"

Kabuto brought a card out and placed a finger on it, bringing his other hand up in a half-ram seal.

Sakura looked impressed, "Wow, a graph. What kind of info is this?"

"This is the number of Genin taking the exam and which country they are from."

Ducky-kun was starting to look interested. If only he knew that Cho could tell him tons more about Gaa-kun and Lee-kun than Kabuto-teme ever could. "Do you have cards with info on individuals?"

"Hehe… there are some guys you're worried about?" Kabuto asked, "Of course… the info on all of this exam's participants isn't perfect, but I do have it. Even of you rookies. Say something about these guys you're worried about and I'll take a look."

"Gaara and Cho of the Hidden Sand and Rock Lee and Akuma from Leaf."

"Oh, you know their names. This should be easy, then."

I, however, took offence, "What, I'm not important enough to know about? Thanks a lot."

Ducky-chan glanced at me before turning back to Kabuto-teme, "Show me," he demanded. How rude.

"Okay, first is Rock Lee. He's a year older than you guys. Mission history: D rank – 20 completed. C rank – 12 completed. His sensei is Maito Gai. His taijutsu has improved greatly in this year, the rest is nothing impressive. Last year he gained attention as a talented new Genin, but he didn't participate in the exam. Like you guys, this is his first time. On his team are Hyuuga Neji and Tenten," Kabuto stated.

Pulling out three new cards, Kabuto continued, "Next is Akuma. She is also a year older than you guys. Oddly enough she hasn't done any missions, at least not any that have been recorded. Her training sensei is Maito Gai but her official sensei is Mitarashi Anko. Her taijutsu is far above average and she also seems to have skill in genjutsu. Her teammates are Cho from the Sand and Neko from the Leaf.

"Next is Gaara of the Desert. Mission History: C Rank – 8. B-rank – 1. Wow, a B-rank mission as a Genin… since he's a newcomer from a foreign country, I don't have much info, but… it seems he returned from all of his missions without even a scratch."

All of the Konoha Rookies were shocked and Sasuke looked nervous but determined.

'_I bet he's just hiding the fact he's piss-his-pants scared of Gaara.'_

"Now for Cho. She is two years older than you guys. She also hasn't done any missions. Her sensei is Mitarashi Anko, and she has great ability with genjutsu. It says here that she bargained with the Kazekage to allow her to participate in the Chuunin Exams with her friends from the Leaf. Her bargaining chip… knowledge of the future."

At this statement, just about everyone in the room turned to stare at my team, specifically Cho. It was a little disturbing, to be honest.

It didn't help matters that Shino was the first to speak up. He's awesome and all, but he's a little creepy and very mysterious.

"The future?"

I got another surprise as Akuma spoke up instead of me or Cho. Honestly I expected myself to speak up instead. "Yeah. All three of us know the future, though Cho definitely knows the most details. Even I know the specific deaths of seven of the people in this room."

"Ten."

I looked at Cho, "Ten?"

She turned to Akuma. "You forgot the Konoha team."

"I don't remember… how did they die?"

"Underestimating a twelve-year-old, just like the Ame Nin."

Akuma thought for a moment before nodding, "I remember now."

I made a mental note to ask later because I couldn't remember for the life of me who else died. I had only remembered the Sound Nin and Gaara before Cho mentioned the Rain Nin, but Leaf..?

I looked on as Cho made a comment, "Three killed by one person, three killed by another, three killed by the final killed, and the final weakened by one and killed by nine and only stayed dead for a matter of time. That's interesting, if you think about it."

"What?"

"Shut up, idiot, it doesn't matter unless Cho's talking directly to you, okay?"

"Okay… Hey, Cho?"

"Yes?"

"I wanna try something. Can I?"

"Is it dangerous?"

"Potentially, but Naru-chan never had a problem. Well, as far as danger is concerned."

"You're wind-type?"

"Yep! So can I?"

"Yes."

"Yay!" _Ram (O-hitsuji)… Snake (Hebi)… Tiger (Tora)… _"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu."

A shadow clone poofed beside me and we immediately started to try something that was sure to fail but I couldn't resist.

Rasengan.

Akuma was looking at me in a I-can't-believe-you're-actually-trying-you're-such-an-idiot way while Cho looked emotionless as pretty much always.

"Holy crap, I think it's working."

"What?" Akuma's head turned towards me and her mouth fell open slightly. Yeah, it wasn't a complete Rasengan, but there was a swirling ball of chakra.

"Uh-oh… I shouldn't have done it. How do I stop?"

At this point it was a full Rasengan and… I had lost control. It just kept spinning. I released the shadow clone.

It didn't help.

"Cut off the chakra, idiot."

"I can't! I don't know how!"

"You don't know how to stop your chakra from moving? Really? You're _such_ an idiot! I don't think Naruto ever had that problem in the future!"

"Well Naruto had tons of trees around, now didn't he?"

"Throw the thing."

"It'll kill my fingers!"

"Hit it against the wall."

"It'll break the wall and I don't have the money to pay for repairs!"

"Idiot."

"Sorry!"

"You're so stupid."

"Sorry!"

"Annoying, too."

"Keep insulting me and I might hit _you_ with this thing!"

"Dumbass."

"Every time you insult me makes my point stronger: you are _so_ like Sasuke."

Akuma just glared at me.

Cho walked over to the group of rookies. "Hinata-san, any chance you could help us out and stop Neko's chakra flow in her arm?"

I could see Hinata nod and come forward before activating her Byakugan and tapping my arm six or seven times.

I sighed as the Rasengan dissipated. Hinata tapped my arm a few more times to reopen the chakra points.

Disaster averted.

"…So I'm gonna learn that?" Naruto asked eagerly.

I grinned at him, "Yep!"

I couldn't help but smile as it seemed this was the time for Naru-chan to do yell out to the world.

"MY NAME IS UZUMAKI NARUTO!!! I WON'T LOSE TO YOU BASTARDS!!! YOU GOT THAT?!!!!"

I grinned as I added on to his declaration, "Haha, he's right! He _isn't_ gonna lose to any of you! Unless you count the one guy who made Chuunin, but that's only because he's the only one that made Chuunin, not because he fought Naru-chan. So ha! A lot of you non-rookies will die but Naru-chan won't!"

In a giant puff of smoke, the scary examiner guy and a lot of Chuunin appeared.

"Thanks for waiting… I am Morino Ibiki, the examiner for the Chuunin Selection Exam's first test. I'll say it now: there will be no fighting without the permission of the examiner. Even if permission is granted, killing your opponent will not be tolerated. Those pigs that disobey me will be failed immediately. Do I make myself clear?"

There was a bit of muttering, but no objection. Not even Naruto and I were stupid enough to go against Ibiki.

"We will now start the first test in the Chuunin Exam. Instead of your current seating arrangements, you will pick one of these tabs," he held up said tabs that had numbers, "and sit in the seat assigned to you. We will then hand out the exams."

"WHAT!? A PAPER TEST?!!"

If I hadn't already known what was coming I would have totally agreed with Naru-chan.

* * *

**-=-=-=Cho's POV=-=-=-**

"Do not turn your tests over. Listen closely to what I'm about to say."

I took my time observing around the room while Ibiki listed out the rules. I already knew them, so I didn't need to listen.

"The exam will last one hour. Okay… begin!!"

'_The first question is a cryptogram… easy enough, I do these for fun…'_

'_Second question… "Line B, seen in the picture, is the greatest possible distance a shinobi can throw his shuriken from a tree of 7 meters. For enemies who appear within the circumference of the shuriken's range, explain the attack options using this distance. Show your work." Hmm…'_

"I don't speak math! Or logic… Ne, Cho?"

"What?"

"Was the guy who kills the Konoha team the same guy that fights my second-favorite puppet-master? I think I remember something about that…"

"Yes, it was."

"Thanks."

"Sure thing."

"Cho?"

"What?"

"What are the names of Kabuto's teammates?"

"Tsurugi Misumi and Akado Yoroi."

"Which one fights my second-favorite puppet-master?"

"Misumi."

"That means he's the guy with_ that_ ability and Yo-yo is the guy I really don't wanna fight. Thanks, Cho."

"No problem."

"Cho?"

"No talking, brats!"

"…Cho?"

"Yeah?"

"What's that one guy's name?"

"What guy?"

"That guy… if he even has a name."

"_What_ guy?"

"Sai's 'brother'."

"His name is Shin."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"Cho?" It was Akuma this time. I was a little surprised.

"Yes?"

"I can't remember… Sai was labeled as a Chuunin, right?"

"Yes. The average of the so-called 'Konoha Twelve' was Chuunin, but having one Jounin, Neji, and two Genin, one of which can go rot in hell for all I care and the other of which was out on a training trip and never had a chance to get promoted even though at that time he was far above Kage level in power and ninjutsu. Chuunin would be far less suspicious for a new member of a team consisting of a Chuunin and an overly-powerful Genin with year-mates of Chuunin level."

"Thanks, I wasn't sure which it was."

"Anytime."

"No talking, brats! I'll have to disqualify you!"

"Ne, Cho?" It was Neko again.

"Yeah?"

"When are the next Chuunin Exams?"

"Six months, why?"

"…So if we're disqualified we won't be able to stop _that_ **or** that, and don't we kinda _have_ to?"

"I'm not sure what the second 'that' was, but, yes, our goal is to attempt to prevent that particular scenario from occurring and it is much easier if we actually participate in the exams, but it wouldn't be impossible to interfere from the outside."

"Okay. Thank you, Cho."

"Mm-hm."

"Cho?"

"Yes?"

"You're pretty much a walking encyclopedia, aren't you?"

"Probably about as close as you can get, yeah."

"Cool."

"Okay! We will now start the tenth question. Now… before we get to it, I'd like to go over the added rules for this question."

I closed my eyes and went over all my plans for the second part of the exam.

* * *

**-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

I mentally groaned as a twirling mass of Evil-Snake-Lady crashed through the window.

"You guys! This is no time to be celebrating! I am the examiner for the second test! Mitarashi Anko! Now let's go! Follow me!"

"…Bad timing," Ibiki said.

I could hear Sakura muttering something that I disagreed with, "This examiner is Naruto-ish."

No, she was evil-ish. Naruto was just annoying.

Anko was pure evil.

"Eighty-one?! Ibiki, you left twenty-seven teams?! The test was way too easy this time!"

"This time… there are a lot of outstanding ones."

"Bah, that's fine. I'll at least cut them in half in the second test. Ahhh, I'm getting excited. I'll explain everything once we've changed places. Follow me."

-=-=-=-

"Welcome to the stage for the second test, Practice Arena 44, also known as the 'Forest of Death'!"

Anko smirked.

"You'll soon find out why it's called the 'Forest of Death'."

I stepped forward. "Would the reason have anything to do with the fact that you're sending in not one, but two Jinchuuriki, not to mention a puppet-master with poisons, a Suna Nin who could destroy a chunk of the forest with slicing wind, a girl who specializes in weapons, two Hyuuga, an Aburame, and my teammate, Cho, who could probably cast a genjutsu to stick someone in their own mind and make them go insane therefore making them useless in a fight? If not, then you'd better rename that place, because everything else is kinda pathetic compared to the people going in."

"I don't know, brat, it's still pretty deadly if you ask me. The Genin just add to the fun."

"Whatever. But seriously, if Naruto can kill one of the giant-but-not-hugely-giant snakes then it doesn't seem too deadly to me. Then again, how many Genin do you know of that would get themselves eaten on accident and then create tons of Shadow Clones to blow the thing up from the inside?"

Anko looked at me, a suspicious question mark practically visible in her eyes.

"Oh, you don't know yet. Well, it's no secret now, thanks to Yakushi-san," I spared a glare in his direction, "My team knows the future, Cho knows the most details, but I still know quite a bit. Neko knows all the main and some of the less-main events."

"…Interesting."

"Yup."

"Anyway… before we start the second test, there's something I have to pass out," she held up some papers, "You must sign these agreement forms. There will be deaths in this one, and if I don't have you sign these, it will all be my responsibility, hehe. I'm going to explain the second test then you can sign it afterwards. Then each team will check in at that booth behind me."

Anko continued on to explain the test while I went over to Cho to figure out what our plan was.

"You will go and get a scroll, Neko and I will take care of the thing we need to change. Come join us after you get the scroll."

"Alright."

The three of us turned back to Anko just in time to hear the last of her speech.

"A final word of advice… Don't die."

We got our forms which we signed and we went in to get a scroll. Cho took it, confident in her ability to keep it hidden perfectly with a genjutsu. The three of us then went over to Gate 4, near the Sand Siblings.

"Everyone follow an instructor and go to your gates! We will start in 30 minutes!"

-=-=-=-

"The second test of the Chuunin Exam… Now begins!"

'_Let's go.'_

* * *

I seriously wasn't expecting to get this out so fast… I hope I'll get about three reviews before I post the next chapter, preferably five.

I'd like more opinions on whether or not Sasuke should get the cursed seal, whether or not he should eventually leave for Orochimaru, and whether anyone else will get the cursed seal instead of or as well as Sasuke.

I'm tired now, so good night!

Review, please!


	10. Snakes

**When All Else Fails, Hit the Fangirl – Chapter Ten: Snakes**

* * *

"_Careful planning will never replace dumb luck."_

* * *

**-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-**

"Remember to be completely silent, Neko."

"Yeah yeah, but I'm allowed to fight Orochimaru, right?"

"Of course. I'm counting on you fighting him, in fact."

"Good, 'cause I'm planning to use some of my new jutsu. Wait, are we letting Chicken-kun get the Curse Seal?"

"Not if we can stop it."

"Okay."

"Here they are, now quiet."

I nodded at Cho and looked down. The two of us stood in some of the highest branches of the trees and I could see Team Seven walking on the ground far beneath us. A scream could be heard in the distance and I listened to the conversation going on below.

"That was a human scream, right? I'm… getting a little nervous."

"This-this is nothing, Sakura-chan… I gotta take a piss."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN FRONT OF A LADY?!! DO THAT IN THE BUSHES!!"

"Ouch!"

A moment passed in near silence as Naruto could be heard walking off a little ways and then coming back a minute later.

"Man!! So much came out! I feel great now!!"

"I SAID NOT IN FRONT OF A LADY AND-!"

There was a solid smacking sound as Ducky-kun punched the fake Naru-chan.

"Sasuke-kun, you didn't have to go that far…"

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Where's the real Naruto?"

"What are you saying?"

"Your shuriken holster is on your left side, Naruto is right handed. You're a fake loser who's worse than Naruto at transforming."

A puff of smoke surrounded Fake-Naruto. The smoke cleared to show a Rain Nin.

"That's unlucky! You figured it out. Oh well! Which one of you has the scroll?!"

Pinkie and Chicken-kun both got ready to fight, choosing not to reply.

"I'll just take it by force, then!"

As the Rain Nin ran towards Pinkie, Chicken-kun went through some hand seals ending with the Tiger seal.

"Katon: Housenka no Jutsu!" _Fire Release: Phoenix Immortal Fire Technique!_

I could see lots of little balls of fire fly towards the Rain Nin.

It briefly crossed my mind that it was maybe dangerous to use that kind of fire technique in a forest that could burn down on top of you. My inner optimist, however, decided to ignore that thought.

I watched as the battle continued, itching to step in and use one of my kick-ass new techniques. Chicken-kun threw a kunai that freed Naru-chan and avoided an explosion note.

"Sasuke-kun!"

The Rain Nin was behind Sasuke-teme, but of course Naru-chan saved him.

After a battle that admittedly made Sasuke-baka look kinda cool _(if you tell him I said that I'll sic Gaara on you)_, the Rain Nin ran away, the coward.

The team sat down as Chicken-teme came up with a sort of plan.

"If we get separated next time, even if it's one of us, don't trust them. This could happen again."

"Then what do we do?"

"We'll make a codeword, just in case. Listen… if they get the codeword wrong; assume they are the enemy no matter what they look like. Listen carefully; I'll only say it once. 'We thrive in the chaos of the enemy tide, ninja do not need dens to hide, all we need to do is watch and wait, until the enemy lowers the gate.'"

"Okay!"

"Wait… that's impossible to remember… can't the codeword be, well, a code WORD?"

"Are you stupid? I already memorized it."

"Hey… is this poem thing really-"

"I'll hold the scroll," of _course_ Duck-chan would want it; he thinks he's sooooooo amazing…

I held on tightly to the branch as a powerful wind came tearing through the trees. Looking at Cho, I was kinda disappointed when I saw she looked like she hadn't even tightened her grip. Heck, she even took a hand off of the branch to brush a blown strand of her hair back behind her ear!

…Stupid girl with stupid chakra control.

I saw the three Grass Nin, one of whom I knew to be Oro-teme, standing down below us.

"You guys just play around over there… I'll take care of them myself."

'_Good luck with that, Snake-baka. Hmph.'_

Cho jumped to a different tree and I followed her. I was confused for a second before I saw Chicken-kun and Pinkie.

"Sakura…"

"Sasuke-kun!"

"Stay away. First say the codeword."

"Oh, yeah! We thrive in the chaos of the enemy tide, ninja do not need dens to hide, all we need to do is watch and wait, until the enemy lowers the gate."

"Good."

"Oww… you guys alright?"

"Naruto! Wait a second, the codeword!"

"I know, I know… We thrive in the chaos of the enemy tide, ninja do not need dens to hide, all we need to do is watch and wait, until the enemy lowers the gate."

Sakura looked relieved and I snickered at her blatant stupidity. Cho gave me a sharp look and I shut up. It's not like I was being loud or anything, but whatever.

Duck-chan threw a kunai at Fakie-Naru-Chan, which Fakie-Naru-Chan dodged, while Sakura remained happily (or not so happily, more like confusedly) oblivious.

"Sasuke-kun, why…? Naruto said the codeword perfectly…"

"So this time it's someone good enough to dodge my attacks…"

"What are you talking about, Sasuke-kun?!"

"Impressive that you knew…" I shivered at that creepy voice.

"What?"

"How did you know? That I was a fake..?"

"I knew you were listening to our conversation from under the ground. That's why I made the codeword like that. There's no way Naruto could remember a poem that long, so you had to be a fake."

"I see… not lowering our guard at all, are we? This will be more fun than I thought. You want my 'Earth Scroll', right? Since you guys have the 'Heaven Scroll'…"

Even though I knew it was coming, I couldn't help but be creeped out when Orochimaru-Grass-Shinobi-Guy swallowed his scroll.

"Now, let's begin the battle for each other's scroll… with our lives on the line."

Suddenly I saw my own death flashing before my eyes, images of blood and terrible pain. A little like what I figure Akuma imagines when she's threatening me.

The images abruptly ended and I wondered when Cho had put her hand on my arm, I hadn't noticed when she did it.

I guess Killing Intent is a genjutsu…

…Who knew?

I looked down and saw Duck-chan struggling with the Killing Intent and Pinkie completely frozen in place. Hah, Cho pwns Chicken-teme. Doesn't Ducky-kun have a Sharingan?

"Sakura…" Wow, Ducky's saying Pinkie's name a lot, isn't he?

"Hehe… you can no longer move…" I could just hear the unspoken 'You're not so confident now, are you?' behind Snakey's words.

Sasuke stabbed himself in the leg with a kunai and got away before Orochi's own kunai impaled him. Cho and I followed, being as silent as we could what with Orochimaru feeling homicidal.

"Sasuke-kun, are you alri-"

I grinned and snickered as Duck-chan covered Pinkie's mouth to get her to shut up. Yay Duck-chan! Now if only he'd thought of doing that _weeks_ ago, it would have given us all some peace…

"Ouch! Cho! Why'd you hit me?! I was being silent until you slapped my arm! That hurt!"

Pinkie and Chicken-kun both looked up to where Cho and I were and I could feel Cho's glare on me as I deliberately looked elsewhere. At least, I assumed it was a glare… Well, Cho's equivalent anyway. So it's probably not an actual glare what with her mostly-emotionless personality and all.

I turned back to Duck-chan and Pinkie with something between a smirk and a smile on my face. "You guys might wanna pay less attention to the two of us and more attention to your situation. You're about to be eaten by a giant snake."

'_Mwaha! I sounded so cool right there!'_ I had to congratulate myself for sounding informed and ninja-like.

Ducky-chan grabbed Sakura and jumped to a different tree to avoid said giant snake. After dropping off Pinkie somewhere, Ducky avoided the snake a few more times before throwing some shuriken at its mouth.

Sasuke-teme was breathing hard as the huge snake landed against the tree, dead.

I shuddered as Orochimaru-as-creepy-Grass-Nin came out of the snake. It was just plain weird. Orochi-teme is just plain weird.

"You guys shouldn't relax for even a moment. Prey should always be trying to run away when in the presence of a predator."

'_Seriously, what's with the predator metaphor?'_

Orochimaru then used his freaky snake powers to wind himself around a large branch of the tree and move towards Sasuke, but he was stopped by some kunai and shuriken and I grinned as Naruto arrived.

"I'm sorry, Sasuke! I forgot the codeword!"

Yay for cool Naru-chan! Saving the day!

"Great job, Naruto!" See, even Sakura could appreciate Naru's awesomeness.

"Naruto! I know you think you're cool and here to save us, but forget it!! Run away! This one is on a whole other level!"

I interrupted before anyone else could say anything, "That's what I'm here for! Cho's just here to make sure I don't get myself killed, but I'm here to help fight Snake-Freak!"

"Hn. As if you could do anything."

"Did you seriously just refuse my help? Boy, are you stupid or what?"

"He's much stronger than any of us!"

"I know his name."

"_What?"_ It almost looked as if Sasuke thought I was an idiot that didn't get the meaning of 'powerful opponent'.

I sighed.

"It means I know more about Snakey-teme than you do! Future-knowledge, remember?"

Sasuke glared at me. What did I say…? Don't tell me he already forgot about the future-knowledge?

I sighed again. Really, Sasuke was an idiot. "Look, Duck-chan. We will fight Snakey. You will not give Snakey our scroll, that's not what he's after, anyway. You will not be an idiot. Pinkie will not join the fight. Is that clear?"

Pinkie looked vaguely offended but didn't argue. Chicken-kun, on the other hand, glared at me until Cho interrupted him.

"Just do it, Uchiha."

Ah, the pressure of two determined girls.

Unfortunately the effect was lost when I started laughing. Loudly. "Haha! Damn! Cho, when we get to the third part of the exam, you have to save me from Neji! I bet he SOOOO wants to kill me right now. But it was SO worth it!!! Kyaaaa!" I couldn't hold in the final fangirl squeal. Even if Neji wanted to kill me, he was still amazingly awesome.

"Neko… I take it you assaulted him with a shadow clone which you had following Team 10?"

"No… it was more like, I don't know, closer to five shadow clones," I was grinning like an idiot and enjoying every second of that idiot clone's memories, "Neji isn't last year's top rookie for no reason, after all…"

Cho looked at me with what may have been an annoyed glare. She definitely wasn't happy, "You're an idiot, Neko, you do know that, right? I just hope you don't have a run-in with Hyuuga before his fight with Naruto."

"Yeah, I guess I should probably be careful about that. But it was SO worth it!"

"Neko, I think that at the moment 'death by snake' is more probable than 'death by irate Hyuuga'."

"Yeah, yeah," I was still grinning, though. 'Irate' meant angry or something, right? Haha, I'm sure Neji is so pissed at me and wants to murder me in a very painful way. Kinda like Akuma.

Before we could do anything, though, Naru-chan rushed Orochimaru-teme.

Snakey bit his left thumb and swiped it on his right arm where his summoning-thingy was. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu." _Summoning Technique._

The size of the summon tossed Naru-chan into the air and he began to fall.

"Hehe… go ahead and eat him." Orochi-teme told his huge snake friend.

"EAT CRAP!" Naru-chan punched the nose of the giant summon snake and there was the sound of a large impact. Naruto's eyes glowed red.

Snakey-teme used a powerful wind technique to throw Naru-chan against a tree.

"Hehe… Sasuke-kun! Now it's your turn!" Oh yeah, Snakey, just _ignore_ the three girls…

The giant snake launched itself at a petrified Sasuke but was stopped by Naruto-kun who copied Sasuke's taunt back from… was it the wave mission? I'll need to ask Cho later…

"Hey, you alright… scaredy-cat?"

I took this chance to launch my own jutsu on Orochimaru-teme.

I quickly created a shadow clone, and started forming a Rasengan. Of course, Orochi expected it since he saw me before the first exam, and he punched me in the stomach, slamming me into the trunk of a tree.

Pissed off I started flipping through hand seals for a jutsu that Cho helped me make. _Rat (Nezumi)… Snake (Hebi)… Horse (Uma)… Dragon (Ryuu)… Bird (Tori)…_

"Suiton: Mizu no Kokyuu!" _Water Release: Water's Breath!_

It was essentially a water version of Chicken-kun's Gokakyuu no Jutsu, or Grand Fireball Technique.

The giant spinning orb of water was about to hit Oro-teme when he used a wind technique to send the water right back at me. Suffice to say I was coughing up water for a few seconds.

"**I am SO gonna KILL you for that, TEME!"**

"Gyah! Let go of me!" Naruto's voice cut through my homicidal yelling.

Apparently while I was coughing up water, Snakey picked up Naru-chan with his tongue.

"Gogyou Fuuin!" _Five Elements Seal!_

Snake-teme rammed his hand into Naru-kun's stomach. Naru-kun's eyes turned back to blue.

Orochi threw Naru-chan aside. Without waiting for Pinkie to throw the kunai that would pin Naru-chan to the tree, Cho leapt out and grabbed Naru-chan and set him on a lower, thicker branch.

"Sasuke-kun!! It's true that unlike you Naruto is clumsy and can get in the way, but at least he's not a coward!!"

And I find my solid proof that Sakura has _always_ been better than Ino. Seriously, what are the chances that _Ino_ would say something that awesome.

Duck-chan then spurred into action, taking out multiple weapons and throwing them at Snake-teme from all sides, bouncing around Snakey like a ping-pong ball.

Orochimaru managed to dodge them all, obviously, but Chicken-kun had attached a string to a couple of the weapons and sent a fire technique down the string, melting Snakey's fake face.

"Able to use the Sharingan at this age… you truly are the man that carries the Uchiha blood. Just as I thought… I want you. I had fun testing your powers. You really are brothers. I sense power in your eyes that surpasses Itachi."

"Who are you?!"

"Yo, Duck-chan. He's Orochimaru. I told you I knew who he was." I wasn't amused with Chicken Butt's stupidity. Is this how Akuma feels about me?

Orochi then spoke, "If you want to see me again, then survive to pass this exam. Of course defeating my men, the Sound Nin trio, on the way."

Pinkie voiced my thoughts, "What are you talking about?! We'd never want to see your face again!"

"Hehe… It won't go that way…" Orochimaru set his hands into a strange jutsu seal.

'_Come on, Cho, tell me what I need to do. Or are you going to do this one yourself?'_

Orochimaru's neck began to extend the same moment that Cho jumped from her branch towards Sasuke.

* * *

**-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

"Aren't you that girl…"

I slowly opened my eyes from where I was sitting in the sun, my back against a rock. Lo and behold, the Sand Siblings were there in front of me, Kankuro apparently remembering me from our last encounter.

"If you mean the girl that is friends with both the near-emotionless girl who is possibly smarter than a Nara and the girl who seems to have made it her goal in life to die from sheer stupidity, then yes, I'm 'that girl'. If you're talking about something else, however, then I am probably not 'that girl'."

"Where is she?" Kankuro asked.

"Neko or Cho?"

"The loud blonde one."

"Heh, I wonder how many times that description has been used for Uzumaki Naruto… But Neko," I glanced at the sun to approximate the time, "Right about now… I'd say she's trying to get herself killed by Orochimaru. Either stupidly attacking him or stupidly taunting him. Either way, I'm sure she's doing something very unwise."

Kankuro looked like he was going to say something else but we were interrupted by the faint sound of a distant yell which all four of us turned towards.

"I am SO gonna KILL you for that, TEME!"

I turned to Kankuro, "Yep, definitely fighting Orochimaru. No one else in the vicinity could piss her off that thoroughly, not even Sasuke or Kabuto."

"Aren't you afraid she's going to die?" Temari asked me. It was almost as if she expected me to care about my teammate. Hah.

"Nah, Cho's there. If anyone can keep Neko from getting herself killed in a stupid way, it's Cho."

Temari had to ask something I figured had been bugging her for a while. "Why are you here, instead of with your teammates?"

"Ah, you see, I am supposed to get a scroll for our team. Unfortunately my future knowledge only tells me the vague locations of people, and only people that are supposed to pass this second test. So I'm camping out here close to the tower where people are sure to come so I don't have to wander the forest aimlessly and so I can make sure that anyone who's not supposed to pass DOESN'T pass."

Kankuro beat Temari to the question, "So I take it we're supposed to pass?"

"Do you think I could stop you, even if you weren't supposed to? But yes, you are."

Temari nodded in farewell before the three of them continued walking towards the tower.

I closed my eyes. It would be a while before any other teams would get this far, much less any that weren't supposed to pass.

* * *

**-=-=-=Neko's Flashback=-=-=-**

I was sure Shikamaru noticed me and my four.... quintuplet? clones but didn't particularly care that we were following them. That was fine with me, I just wanted to stick with them until tomorrow morning so I could pounce Neji.

It was a flawless plan, no?

Unfortunately it was going to be a few hours of waiting for me and my fellow shadow clones. Rock-Paper-Scissors, anyone?

-=-=-=-

"I'm thinking of a number between 327 and 46,981."

"Hmm... I like the number 9,918."

"Mwaha, 666!"

"I want number 3, why can't we have number 3?"

"I pick 32,408. Am I right?"

-=-=-=-

"Does it have scales?"

"No."

"Is it a snake?"

"I just asked if it had scales and she said no!"

"It was worth a try."

"No it wasn't, idiot."

"Hey, I'm just as much of an idiot as you are!"

"Is it furry?"

"Yes"

"...Is it a bunny?"

"...Why would I pick a bunny?"

"Because bunnies are soft."

"No, it's not a bunny."

"Is it soft?"

"Yes."

"Is it a penguin?"

"...What the hell?"

"I think it's a cow."

"Well **I** think it's a porcupine."

"Porcupines aren't soft!"

"But they're cute."

"Is it a giraffe?"

"Is it small?"

"Yes, it's small."

"Is it a baby giraffe?"

"Is it a baby cow?"

"Baby cows are called calves."

"Really?"

"No, it's not a baby animal."

"It's a radioactive chipmunk!"

"..."

"...What...?"

"It's not a radioactive chipmunk."

"So it's a regular chipmunk!"

"It's not a chipmunk."

"Oh, so it's radioactive... what else can be radioactive...?"

"Can chipmunks even be radioactive?"

"I... don't know. Let's ask Cho later."

-=-=-=-

"Shh! Here he is!"

All five of us were hiding behind bushes near where Team Ten was hiding. Sure enough, here was Hyuuga Neji.

"Psst, everyone in position?"

"Yep," I whispered.

"I dunno."

"Un."

"Only Deidara can say 'un'."

"That's not true!"

"Quiet! Number three, what about you?"

"No... wait, yes I am."

"Okay... three... two... one... NOW!!!"

* * *

**-=-=-=Cho's POV=-=-=-**

I sorely miscalculated. I added far too much chakra to my jump in my haste.

I salvaged what I could of the leap, twisting my body so as to shift my momentum when I landed. I was able to shove Sasuke away from Orochimaru's attack, but my misjudgment placed me precisely where the Uchiha used to be: on the receiving end of Orochimaru's Curse Seal technique.

Well, shit.

I could feel Orochimaru's fangs dig into my left shoulder. He withdrew shortly, obviously angered at my interference. "Idiot girl, getting in the way…" he laughed, "I would kill you, but you'll be dead soon anyway."

Pain flooded my senses as I had anticipated: my head pounded and my shoulder felt like it was on fire, burning, stinging, and aching, a searing pain that gradually spread through my body. I didn't trust my balance at this point so I knelt down, hoping my pain tolerance would allow me a little time.

I looked up at Orochimaru, "Heh… I have a ten percent chance of survival… right? I think that's better odds than if you attacked me with the intention of ending my life…"

I never got to hear any reply as the world blacked out around me; all I could hear was the sound of my own heartbeat and my quick breathing.

I could hardly think, much less speak.

'_One in ten chance of survival for myself… I'm sure he attacked or will attack Sasuke as well… One in ten chance of survival for him… One in a hundred chance of survival for both of us… One in a hundred. 27. That's my number. I pick number 4 for myself and number 9 for Uchiha-san. And 27… That will be the lucky number for the both of us._

'_So, Fate… what will it be? What are the numbers? Was I close to winning this final game of chance?'_

I was sure, somehow through the pain, that I felt myself smiling in contentment even as the sound of my own breaths faded, everything blacking out to unconsciousness… or was it death, perhaps?

Heh.

I miscalculated; I made one minuscule wrong move that escalated to a potentially fatal outcome. I can't take it back, and now I'm relying purely on chance.

Looks like this might be game over.

It was a challenge indeed.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed. Please review!

I've already mostly decided this, but I'll ask you guys anyway since your opinions often come with really good reasoning. Should the girls participate in the third round of the exams at all? Maybe just two of them? If so, who should they fight? Ino and Sakura is one possibility, Chouji and Dosu is another. They could also fight each other. What do you guys think?

For a while I'm going to try to focus on my other fanfictions, but if I get a lot of reviews again, maybe somewhere close to 6, I will get the next chapter of Hit the Fangirl out quickly. I'm in a writing mood that will probably last a few more days, and I don't really care what I write.


	11. Preliminaries

**When All Else Fails, Hit the Fangirl – Chapter Eleven: Preliminaries**

_

* * *

_

_"There are three kinds of people: those who learn by reading, those who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves."_

_"No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate." - House_

_"Getting blown up while I was talking… how rude." – Zolf J. Kimblee, Crimson Alchemist (Fullmetal Alchemist Manga)_

_"Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating."_

**

* * *

-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

I opened the Heaven and Earth scrolls just after I entered the tower.

A Chuunin was summoned in front of me. Hagane Kotetsu, I think it was.

He looked at me for a second. "Umm… where are your teammates?" he inquired.

"What?" I stared at him blankly.

"Your teammates. Where are they?"

"…" I'm sure Kotetsu saw a look of realization dawning on my face. "Oh! Yeah. _Them_. They're somewhere in the Forest."

"Umm…"

"I'm sure they were delayed by the fight with Orochimaru. Neko is probably unconscious for some stupid reason."

"You can't pass if you don't have your teammates," the Chuunin asserted.

"Apparently he pissed Neko off pretty badly, so she probably attacked him idiotically and won't be doing much for a while," I continued.

"You can't-"

"Look," I cut him off, "they'll be here. Just let me stay in the tower until then, okay? That's all I'm asking. If they don't come, _then_ you can kick me out."

"I will need to tell Hokage-sama." He didn't look very happy with my forcing of the situation.

Well, too bad for him. I had faith in my friend; I knew she would get herself and Neko back here alive. "That's fine with me."

Hagane Kotetsu gave me one last look before leaving to find the Hokage.

**

* * *

-=-=-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-=-=-**

'_This… is so BORING!'_ I thought as I sat against a tree. '_Isn't being a ninja in the Naruto world supposed to be FUN? Ugh, stupid Sasuke, Naruto, and Cho, getting themselves unconscious-ed. Umm... knocked unconscious? Yeah, that's it.'_

Sakura was sleeping. The two of us were taking turns keeping guard over her two unconscious teammates and my one unconscious teammate. Cho was still alive and in no worse shape than Sasuke, so I took that as a good sign. In fact, she appeared to be doing better than Sasuke. Duck-kun seemed to be in pain while Cho just looked uncomfortable; high pain tolerance or something, I guess.

I noticed Cho's kunai pouch lying on the ground and decided to go through it and see if I could find anything interesting.

As soon as I opened the small bag, I knew I had hit the jackpot. There, in plain sight, was the god of all writing utensils: a sharpie.

I began to grin as I slowly wiggled the cap off and placed it on the back of the marker. Poor Naruto and Sasuke… the Sound Nin wouldn't be coming until dawn. …This was going to be _fun_.

**

* * *

-=-=-=Third-Person POV=-=-=-**

The three Oto Nin – Tsuchi Kin, Abumi Zaku, and Kinuta Dosu – jumped into the clearing so they stood across from the one conscious Genin and the four unconscious Genin.

The three of them stood there, not sure whether they were more surprised at the fact they weren't noticed or at the fact that the blonde girl seemed to be _drawing_ on her fellow Konoha Nin.

Said blonde girl glanced over her shoulder. "Oh… OH! That's right! Sorry, I had completely forgotten about you guys." She rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. "Could you just wait a sec? I'm almost done with Pinkie."

The three Sound Nin stared blankly at her.

"Thanks." Neko then turned around and continued _drawing_ on the pink-haired Konoha Genin.

"THUNDAAAAAA!"

The Sound Nin twisted around in surprise to see the selfsame blonde girl grinning at them from right behind where they had just been standing.

What Kin, Zaku, and Dosu failed to notice, however, was that the shadow clone was just a distraction while the real Neko formed the same hand seals that she had flipped through the day before.

_Rat (Nezumi)… Snake (Hebi)… Horse (Uma)… Dragon (Ryuu)… Bird (Tori)…_

"Suiton: Mizu no Kokyuu!" _Water Release: Water's Breath!_

For the second time in two days, an enormously giant spinning orb of water flew from Neko towards her enemy. This time, however, the attack was neither deflected nor dodged.

Neko smiled in success.

A moment later, her smile stretched into a grin worthy of The Cheshire Cat as she saw that all the chakra she had used in her attack paid off: not even Dosu had managed to stay conscious.

After a single second of thought – Neko's mind works very fast, you know – the blonde's grin widened even further, if that was possible. Sharpie still in hand, evil glint in eye, Neko walked towards the three unconscious Sound Nin.

**

* * *

-=-=-=Cho's POV=-=-=-**

_'That's… me.'_

I stood in a white emptiness across from what appeared to be a twelve year old version of myself. The younger version was crying.

**_"Kagero didn't have to die._****"**

I closed my eyes. This was what happened to Sasuke, except his was about not being strong enough to save his parents or clan. This... this was blaming me for the death of my twin brother.

**_"You didn't have the strength, you didn't have the speed. If you were just a little stronger, a little faster…_****"**

_'I wasn't faster. What's done is done, the past cannot be changed.'_

**_"In the end, if you don't have strength, you can't do anything. Because you didn't have the strength or the speed…"_**

I opened my eyes again.

_'There is more to life than that.'_

**_"If you had been just a little faster, Kagero wouldn't have died._****"**

_'I was twelve. Sixth-graders aren't expected to be Superman.'_

**_"You let him die. You didn't even try to save him."_**

_'I tried. I really did.'_

Though did I? How hard did I try?

**_"All you did was watch._**_"_

_'That's not true.'_

Then again, maybe it was.

**_"If only you had the strength…_**_"_

The younger me tore the skin around her eye to reveal the pattern of a Curse Seal.

**

* * *

-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-**

"There." I finished touching up the last of Zaku's face-art and capped the sharpie.

I heard some movement and turned around to see Cho sitting up, a zigzagged Curse Seal pattern wrapping around the whole left side of her body.

"I feel angry," she spoke without any expression.

Shouldn't angry look more, well, _angry_? I quickly hid my sharpie. Ahem. _Her_ sharpie. "Don't look at me; I didn't draw on _your_ face."

"I feel like I want to hurt someone."

"I've got the Sound Nin right here," I offered, pointing at the three unconscious persons.

"No thanks. I just find it strange that I'm angry for no reason."

"You don't sound angry."

"No, I don't, do I…? Could I have my permanent marker back?"

"Will you kill me if I get near you?"

She gave me a look that clearly told me she was _not_ amused. That was probably the most expression I had seen her show in… well, a long time. I tossed her the sharpie which she caught effortlessly.

It would have been funnier if it hit her in the face.

Cho glanced at Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto in turn before looking back to me. "Drawing on the Uchiha's face was probably not wise. You _do_ know he's going to wake up enraged, right? And what better way to take out his Curse Seal anger than beating up the person who drew _flowers _on his face?"

"Aheheh… Maybe he won't notice?"

"I think he'll wonder why Haruno Sakura is trying to kill you."

At the sound of her name, the pink-haired shinobi stirred sleepily and opened her eyes. "Huh? What? What's going on?"

I braced for screeching when Pinkie looked toward Duck-kun. I really didn't want to imagine what would happen if she knew I had drawn on _her_ face, too.

**"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY PRECIOUS SASUKE-KUN?"**

"I drew on his face, what do you think I did?"

The way she looked at me made a shiver run down my spine.

Fangirls could be terrifying things.

…No wonder Kishimoto brought Gaara back to life.

Sleeping Beauty sat up slowly at the sound of his female teammate's yelling. His own fiery-pattern Curse Seal was activated.

It briefly crossed my mind that Cho hadn't deactivated her Curse Seal yet. Strange…

I looked toward Duck-chan. "If you want to kill someone, I suggest you direct your anger to the other girl with a Curse Seal, because she is most likely to survive. We also need Pinkie to save Konkaru's life three years from now."

"Kankuro," Cho corrected.

"Yeah, Kankuro," I mumbled.

Chicken-kun glanced at Sakura before looking back at me. "You… drew on Sakura's face," he stated.

"Yup. Don't waste any time being jealous, though, Duck-chan. I didn't forget Naruto. Oh," I paused and grinned, even if it _was_ going to be the death of me, "I drew on you, too."

Apparently it took a moment for that sentence to sink in. I couldn't deny that it was amusing to watch Sasuke's face slowly darken and his eyes narrow at me. Terrifying, but amusing.

"Hey, Cho, do you think you could get over here and save my butt?"

"I'm comfortable where I am." She turned to Sasuke. "Hey, Uchiha. If you kill Neko I will personally make sure you never fulfill your 'ambition'."

Duck-butt glared at Cho and looked like he was only barely able to hold himself back from killing her. Maybe it was a _good_ thing Cho's Curse Seal was still active…

"Yo. If you two are done staring at each other, can we wake up the blond and get moving?"

**

* * *

-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

"Your teammates aren't here yet."

I glared at Hagane Kotetsu. "Oh, come on! Seriously, it's the _second day_. They've got five days, right? You can continue pestering me _after_ the five days are up!"

Though Kotetsu stared at me in silence before leaving, I could see the unspoken _'just you wait'_.

I sighed.

Who knew that mostly-unimportant Chuunin could be so annoying?

**

* * *

-=-=-=Time Skip - TIMESKIP - Time Skip - TIMESKIP - Time Skip=-=-=-**

* * *

**-=-=-=Cho's POV=-=-=-**

I entered the main room in the tower. The teams were gathering to hear about the next portion of the exam.

"Hey, Cho. May I ask why you and Neko didn't get here until the _fifth day_? Towards the **end** of the _fifth day_, might I add?" Akuma made her way towards me from the other side of the large room.

"A sense of accomplishment can be gained even by defeating pawns that pose no danger to the king," I explained.

"Translation: you went around collecting scrolls, didn't you…? And why the sudden switch from Solitaire to Chess? Or are you using some other game? Does Go have kings? Or Shogi or whatever?"

"I did, I managed to gather quite a number of scrolls, in fact. Dealing with the Kage and other one-on-one encounters would be Solitaire; controlling events would be Chess."

"Yeah, that makes sense," she replied sarcastically. "Hold on." Akuma turned around and the multiple expressions crossing her face indicated that she didn't know what to think of the event taking place in the middle of the room. Eventually she settled for an _'I am not amused'_ type of look. "Please tell me that's _not _Neko."

"I'm quite sure it is. She was experimenting some with that technique back in the Forest of Death."

"And he hasn't killed her yet?" she queried.

I clarified, "The Second Test is officially over, and I'm reasonably convinced there is some type of law against killing allies."

"Gaara has never heard of that one, I don't think," Akuma mentioned.

"Perhaps not, but Hyuuga-san has."

"I think he'll last less than ten minutes before he snaps."

"I think he will last until the explanation of the Third Test starts, and then it won't matter. The only way he would snap before that time is if Neko pounced on him. Knowing Neko, she _will_ 'glomp' him."

"I wonder if this will give any people ideas."

"About whether Hyuuga-san is straight or not? Well, he certainly has never shown an interest in girls. If Neko plays this up too much, people like Lee could get ideas," I speculated.

"It would get that green-clad annoyance off of _my_ back."

"It might truly be interesting to see what happens if Lee thinks Hyuuga-san is gay."

"Poor Neji," she muttered.

"Neko is actually surprisingly adept at playing the part of a male. She overdoes the declarations of love to some extent, but she probably is using Lee-san and Uzumaki-san as some sort of foundation for her actions. None of the other males are as conspicuous in their affections, if they have any."

"She kinda fails at the 'cool' stuff, though. Is she trying to act like Sasuke or something?"

"Most likely; Uchiha-san and Hyuuga-san are very similar in a number of ways."

"So much for Sexy no Jutsu being a Naruto-and-Konohamaru-Only thing."

"At least she's clothed. And I find it amusing to observe Hyuuga-san's reactions."

Akuma stood silent for a moment, watching Boy-Neko flirt with Neji. "True, I have to admit I didn't know he was capable of some of those expressions. Neko does know she's writing up her own 'cause of death', right? Death by Juuken can't be pleasant."

"There are times when I wonder if that may be her objective."

"Y'know? That wouldn't surprise me in the least."

**

* * *

-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-**

"You like meditating, right?" It was cool how deep my voice sounded in this alternate Sexy no Jutsu. Of course I was clothed, however.

"Leave me alone." Neji-nii-chan glared at me.

"So… Neji-kun…" I smiled seductively.

"Leave me alone or I will kill you."

"You wouldn't kill _me_, Neji-_kun_!"

"Leave. Me. Alone!"

I could hear someone snickering in the background. I was pretty sure it was Tenten.

"So… I hear you like halibut soba."

"Shut u- _where did you get that information_?"

"I know things."

"So," I leaned towards Nii-chan in a suggestive way, "wanna go on a date?"

"Get away from me." Neji-chan exclaimed, pushing me off.

"But Neji-ku~un!" I leapt at him and wrapped my arms around him.

"Kaiten!"

"Cra-" I could feel his chakra throw me into the ground flat on my back, a cloud of smoke around me as my Sexy no Jutsu dispersed.

"Ouch…" I moaned. _'Crap. I can't move.'_

"Neji – it is not youthful to attack someone without cause!" Lee exclaimed.

I finally found the strength to sit up.

"She started it."

"Oh, how _mature_," Tenten scoffed, rolling her eyes. "It's not like she was hurting you. Unless you count your pride, that is."

Neji-nii-chan glared at Tenten.

I smiled. Tenten was defending me!

Just as I finished standing up, the Third Hokage and a bunch of Jounin and Chuunin walked into the room.

"First off, for the Second Test, congratulations on passing!"

And, that was my cue to zone out.

_'Hmm… I wonder when I'll get to see Sasori.'_

I was brought out of my thoughts when I felt pain from something hitting my arm. A very familiar something hitting a very familiar part of my arm.

"Ouch! Akuma!"

"Pay attention, idiot."

I looked at the sick Chuunin Jounin guy who was waiting for Akuma and me to shut up.

"Ahem. Umm… anyway, those who are not feeling well… those who feel like quitting after these explanations, please come forward now since we will be starting the preliminaries immediately."

I turned around just in time to see Kabuto raise his hand. "Umm… I'm going to quit."

"Huh? K-Kabuto-san…" That was the ever-clueless Naruto, of course.

Sick Chuunin Jounin guy coughed again. "You're Yakushi Kabuto-kun from the Leaf, right? You may leave now. Umm… does anyone else want to retire?"

"Ne, Cho. What are we gonna do?" I asked her.

"I'll quit right now, of course. I know you wouldn't be happy if I told you not to fight, and I understand that Akuma also wants to test her abilities, so I won't try to stop either of you." Cho turned towards the sick guy before I could come up with anything to say. "I forfeit."

"You're Cho, the Sand Nin on a Leaf team, right? You also may leave now."

Cho nodded and walked silently out of the room.

"Hey, Akuma?"

"Yeah?"

"…What happens if stuff doesn't happen?"

"It doesn't happen. Duh," she said condescendingly.

Wait… I know that word? Oh, well. "So if Lee doesn't fight Gaara…?"

"Then it doesn't happen. If you want a better answer, go find Cho."

"Fine, never mind."

Sick Chuunin Jounin guy spoke up again. I really should learn his name, shouldn't I? "Umm… Now… let's begin the preliminary. This preliminary will consist of one-on-one fighting. You will basically fight as if in a real-life confrontation. Since we have exactly twenty-two entrants, we will conduct eleven matches and… umm… the winners will advance to the Third Test.

"There are basically no rules. The fight continues until one of you dies or is knocked out or admits your defeat. Umm… if you don't want to die then quickly acknowledge your defeat. But when I decide that the winner has been clearly established, umm… since we don't want to pointlessly increase the amount of corpses, I'll jump in and stop things.

"And the object that controls your destiny is this. This electric scoreboard will show the match-ups for each battle. Now, this is sudden, but let's announce the two names of the first fight."

I watched as the electric name generator thingy came up with the first two names.

**UCHIHA SASUKE vs. AKADO YOROI**

"Now, we will be starting the first match. Everyone except the two participants move to the upper level."

I turned to Akuma as we walked. "That's supposed to happen, right?"

She looked at me for a second before she spoke, "Didn't Cho answer a similar question for you back during the First Test?"

I thought for a moment. "…I don't know."

Akuma sighed. "Yes, Sasuke is supposed to fight Yoroi."

"Okay."

**

* * *

-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

The Sasuke vs. Yoroi fight went exactly how it was supposed to. No surprise there.

The names were shuffled again, and the next two were displayed.

**ABUMI ZAKU vs. ABURAME SHINO**

Ten matches: Sasuke vs. Yoroi, Zaku vs. Shino, Misumi vs. Kankuro, Sakura vs. Ino, Temari vs. Tenten, Shikamaru vs. Kin, Naruto vs. Kiba, Hinata vs. Neji, Gaara vs. Lee, and Chouji vs. Dosu. How many of those could be split up without ruining the timeline, I wondered.

I watched Shino's fight with interest. His calm strategy reminded me a bit of Cho.

All too soon, the fight was over and the board spat out two more names.

**TSURUGI MISUMI vs. KANKURO**

Another predicted match. It wasn't time to get worried yet, there were probably four fights left that could be split up. Also, there was always the chance that Neko and I would fight each other.

As the battle between Kankuro and Misumi started, I smirked.

Suna Nin were always fun to watch. Shinobi from the Sand didn't hold back.

Kankuro quickly defeated Misumi and the board rolled the names again.

**HARUNO SAKURA vs. YAMANAKA INO**

Ah, this was going to be a _boring_ fight.

I looked to my right to see that Neko apparently thought so, too.

I sighed. Ten minutes long so far, and it was still going… I closed my eyes until Gekkou Hayate spoke.

"Both fighters are unable to continue, so this is a double knockout. The fourth preliminary match has no winner!"

I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally it was over.

The electric board shot out two more, again predictable, names.

**TEMARI vs. TENTEN**

I heard a yell from where Team Gai stood. "Good luck, Tenten!"

Ugh, of course it was that insufferable green annoyance.

Of course, Tenten's weapons stood no chance against Temari's wind techniques.

I smirked once again. Finally, it was time for another fun match.

**NARA SHIKAMARU vs. TSUCHI KIN**

Shikamaru's strategies were always interesting to watch. Someone confident like a Sound Nin could never stand a chance against him.

Now if only there was some way to get him and Cho to fight each other…

**UZUMAKI NARUTO vs. INUZUKA KIBA**

This next one… would not be so interesting. Yes, a couple good thoughts, but Naruto doesn't think enough to come up with an _interesting_ idea. The same goes for Kiba, except less so.

Probably the most interesting thing about the fight was Hinata's expression. Poor girl, not knowing whether to cheer on the boy she loves or whether to cheer on her teammate.

Time for the next match…

**HYUUGA HINATA vs. HYUUGA NEJI**

_'Man… only Lee vs. Gaara and Chouji vs. Dosu are left. Hopefully Neko and I won't split up Lee vs. Gaara. That is an important match… and neither Neko nor I stand a chance against either of them. And if Neko fights Gaara, she may end up dead.'_

I watched the two Hyuuga's fight. I enjoyed Neji's way of pointing out Hinata's every feeling in the beginning of the match.

Soon enough, the match was over. Two left, two left. I could only hope that Neko and I fought each other, at this point.

**GAARA vs. ROCK LEE**

I was relieved to see that.

Neko likely wouldn't be dying today. Gaara would even have been dangerous for me, but not to the same extent.

Before the two boys began their fight, however, Neko felt the need to voice her - undoubtedly stupid - thoughts.

"O.M.F.G."

"Acronyms are for texting, Neko."

"I think Cho likes Gaara! Like, LIKE-likes him!" she exclaimed, green eyes shining.

"Uh-huh. I shouldn't have even been able to understand that with all the 'like's in there."

"No, really, I think she does," the annoying blonde insisted.

"What would even give you that idea? Cho doesn't stalk every other guy she sees, _unlike you_."

"Cho thinks Gaara is cool!"

"She thinks the same about Anko, Deidara, Shino, and Sai. Your point is…?" I raised an eyebrow, awaiting her answer.

"Shino and Sai I can understand, but Anko and Deidara?"

"Don't ask. I'm still waiting for your point." I noted subconsciously that there was no fighting going on below us, meaning that we were delaying the fight, and both Lee and Gaara, along with everyone else in the room, were listening to our conversation. Great.

"Well, anytime we're discussing the future, she talks about Gaara more than Kankuro or Temari."

"That couldn't _possibly _have **_anything_** to do with the fact that, oh, I don't know… Gaara is _more important_ than Kankuro or Temari where the future is concerned, could it?" I gave Neko a look telling her I knew she was making things up.

"But when we talk about battles, she mentions Gaara more."

"Out of all the Sand Siblings, who has the most fights?"

"Kankuro," she stated, not a doubt in her mind.

"…Neko. Kankuro has _FOUR_ fights. Misumi, Shino, Sakon and Ukon, and Sasori. As opposed to Gaara's - let's see… Lee, Sasuke, Naruto, Kimimaro, Deidara, and Sasuke again - that's five if you only count Sasuke once. And that's not even including Gaara's confrontation with the one Oto Nin before the Finals, if that can even be called a fight."

"But it's obvious Cho like-likes Gaara!"

"You're delusional."

"I'm not!"

"Then are we talking about the same Cho?"

"The only other person I know of with 'Cho' in their name is Chouji."

"Don't forget Choujuro."

"…Who?"

"One of the two Nin who accompanied the Mizukage to the Five Kage's Meeting."

"…How do you _know_ this?"

"Random information from our mostly emotionless friend _who is virtually emotionless and therefore does not feel affection towards any guys, much less one she doesn't know_."

"But I'm **sure** she like-likes him!

"Neko, first of all, the phrase you're looking for is probably 'likes in a romantic way', 'is in love with', 'has a crush on', or 'is infatuated with'. And, in case you hadn't noticed, _she's practically emotionless_, so none of those are possible."

"She glared at me a while ago."

"Hooray, you are officially annoying enough to piss off emotionless people."

"She's not _completely_ emotionless!"

"No, she's not. But Cho has admitted that neither romantic nor family love are on the very short list of emotions she _does_ feel."

"But-"

"End of discussion." No way was I going to give in, even if her arguments made me curious if she noticed something about Cho that I didn't. Was it possible that our little emotionless friend had fallen in love? Probably not, but still…

Now that our little _chat_ was over, the two boys started their fight.

Both Lee and Gaara got quite a beating, but in the end Gaara won. No surprise there. I could have predicted that even _without_ knowing the future.

**KINUTA DOSU vs. AKUMA**

"What?" both Neko and I exclaimed our shock at the same time.

I thought for a second before speaking. "This isn't too bad, I suppose. And you get to fight Chouji. You shouldn't have any trouble with him. You might even be able to win against him, since at this point, and under these circumstances, he's not that strong."

"What are you talking about? Chouji is awesome!"

"Okay, whatever. I'd prefer it if you didn't lose, though. I would hate for something in the Finals to get messed up for something stupid."

"What?"

"If you lose to Chouji, Chouji continues onto the finals. If Chouji continues onto the finals, he will end up fighting one of the finalists. For the most part, that wouldn't be a problem. However, if he ended up fighting Shikamaru, things could go way wrong."

"Like how...?"

"You remember who Shika fights in the finals, right?"

"Duh."

"He's out of chakra at the end of that. If he has a fight _before_ that one, then the fight might not end as it is supposed to."

"Ooooohh. Okay."

"Yup."

I walked down the stairs and stood across from Dosu.

Hayate looked at both of us to see that we were ready. "Umm… well then, match ten: begin!"

* * *

Reviews, please? I get depressed if there are only three or four reviews when I've gotten up to 11 in the past and have 15 people with this story on alert… I've got self-esteem issues, okay? Anyways, I hope everyone enjoyed!

**There's a new poll on my profile! Vote for the length of this fic!**

It's getting close to a year since I started this thing. Eleven updates in twelve months... almost one per month :) Shall we see if I can bump that up to twelve updates in twelve months?

Next chapter will be the end of the Preliminaries and probably a good chunk of the Finals.

So... does Cho like Gaara? What do _you_ think? ;)

Akuma will get to have a run-in with the object of _her_ affection soon enough. Sooner or later Neko will encounter Sasori, too.

Oh, if anyone has any suggestions for future happenings in this fanfiction, - whether small funny scenes or huge events - feel free to mention them. Remember, please review! Ja, mata!

I went a bit overboard with the top quotes because I've got tons of quotes, and a limited number of chapters. Hehehe... yeah, sorry.

And here is a quote from a Fullmetal Alchemist / Harry Potter crossover fanfic I liked:

""Hello Severus," said McGonagall with as much warmth as a freezer burned piece of chicken left in the snow in the dead of a Russian winter night." – Alchimie

I apologize for the long author's note. I tend to rant sometimes... Anyways, yeah. Ja, mata!


	12. Weapons

**When All Else Fails, Hit the Fangirl – Chapter Twelve: Weapons**

* * *

_"__A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking."_

* * *

**-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

Hayate looked at both of us to see that we were ready. "Umm… well then, match ten: begin!"

I very much wanted to start the fight, but there was something I _really_ needed to know first. "Is it true that Neko knocked you and your teammates out? By herself? With _one_ jutsu?"

Dosu glared at me in response, leaping forward and sending his arm out to punch me.

Wow. I guess she actually _did_ knock the three out. That's… wow.

I dodged the punch with little more than a millimeter to spare, but that was plenty. I then brought my right fist into his stomach before he had a chance to block.

Dosu wanted taijutsu, so I gave him taijutsu. Don't blame _me_ if he gets his butt kicked by a girl.

The punch to his stomach knocked him back a couple feet, but all it seemed to do was anger him.

Damn, this would be so much easier if he didn't have the sound amplifier on his arm.

I jumped back as Dosu swung at me again. It was difficult fighting at the same time as trying to come up with a strategy. That sound amplifier really cramped my style. Normally I would just bombard the enemy while dodging tough blows and ignoring light ones, but I'd like to keep my ear drums intact, thanks.

I dodged yet another blow from the Sound Nin.

"Would you just give me a second to think?" I yelled, leaping forward and throwing a fist at his face. He was seriously pissing me off.

I think my heart stopped for a moment in shock when my fist successfully connected with his nose. I was under the impression he was going to block or dodge… Was I really _that_ angry?

Not wasting another second, I landed on the ground and ran forward again, aiming to kick Dosu. He dodged, of course, but I was able to slash him pretty good on the shoulder with the kunai I had quickly drawn out.

Unfortunately, it looked like this was going to be a _long_ battle.

* * *

-=-=-=**Neko's POV**=-=-=-

I was watching Akuma's battle like a good friend when an idea struck me.

O. M. G.

I could feel myself grinning and had to hold back the maniacal laughter. How had I not thought of that sooner?

My hands moved through three familiar motions and I spoke the name of possibly the most useful technique in the history of forever and a month: "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu." _Shadow Clone Technique._

Go, clone, and fetch me my tool of destruction.

My Shadow Clone and I shared an evil grin before she headed off to look for somewhere to acquire the item I wanted. I wondered if she would think to look for a giant three-bladed scythe like Hidan's while she was out…

I decided not to worry about it. I had faith in myself.

* * *

-=-=-=**Cho's POV**=-=-=-

I sighed and moved onto the next shop. Everything seemed a bit… off… from what I was looking for. I knew I would recognize the perfect item when I saw it, but so far I wasn't having much luck. I was looking everywhere from weapon stores to jewelry stores, and still getting nowhere.

However, the second I walked into my twenty-seventh store, my eyes settled on an object that seemed like it would fit all my needs.

My hand wrapped around it. '_This will do just fine._'

* * *

-=-=-=**Akuma's POV**=-=-=-

I back-flipped over Dosu, making hand seals while I was in the air. _Bird (Tori)… Snake (Hebi)… Horse (Uma)… Ox (O-Ushi)…_

As I landed on my feet, I quickly whispered the name as quietly as I could in the hopes that even Dosu's sharp hearing wouldn't catch it. As said Sound Nin turned, my hands flew through another set of seals.

_Tiger (Tora)… Boar (Ousa Buta)… Ox (O-Ushi)… __Dog (Inu)…_

"Bunshin no Jutsu!" _Clone Technique!_

A copy of myself formed next to me and the two of us faced the Oto Nin.

Dosu scoffed, "You think a clone will fool me? I even saw you make it, so I know which one of you is real. How pathetic, Leaf Nin."

The Sound ninja lifted his arm for a punch-

-and fell forward, unconscious.

"Hn. How pathetic, Sound Nin," I said. The two clones that had been facing Dosu disappeared.

I almost couldn't believe my plan had worked. You would think a shinobi as skilled as him would have noticed a genjutsu being placed to hide the fact that I had created two clones while I moved to stay behind him. After that it was just a matter of tapping him with a touch-based sleeping-inducing genjutsu.

"Clone Me! You're back! That was fast."

I turned my head to see what Neko was making such a racket about.

* * *

-=-=-=**Neko's POV**=-=-=-

I had to stare at my clone for a moment before figuring out what was different. Then it dawned on me. She was wearing new - and awesome - clothes. They had plenty of orange, which is the coolest color ever. And red, and black. Totally kickass combo.

"Haha, clone-chan! You're the _best_ clone ever! Did you get the thing I sent you for?"

She grinned at me in answer. "Of course! It's sealed in one of the scrolls Cho gave you. Along with that afterthought we had."

I grinned even wider. "I knew I could rely on you!"

I watched as my clone dispelled herself leaving a pile of (awesome) clothes along with a scroll.

I turned around when I saw Akuma hop up to where I was standing. "What was that all about, Neko? I hope you didn't steal my money."

"Nah. In fact, I got you a present, Akuma-chan!" I told her excitedly.

Akuma just glared at me. "Call me 'chan' again and you die."

"M'kay. But you'll like your present." I knelt down and opened the scroll. Then I put my chakra in the seal so it went 'poof' and gave me the two weapons I wanted. I picked up the giant battle axe and examined it (despite the fact I had my clone's memories) before setting it aside. Man, I had good taste. I then picked up the three-bladed scythe and handed it to Akuma. "Here you go!"

"Umm… Thanks."

I grinned at her response. I obviously caught her off-guard. Akuma didn't thank people. Ever. Man, I've been making her do a lot of new things since we ended up in this world, haven't I?

"You are very welcome!" I replied happily. She wasn't amused at that, but that made it better.

I heard some beeping and looked up to see that the readerboard thingy-ma-job had my name.

**NEKO vs. AKIMICHI CHOUJI**

"Good luck, Neko," Akuma told me.

…

…

…

Did _Akuma_ just wish me good luck?

"Would you stop staring like a deer in the headlights and get down there? If you don't beat Chouji, the future is going to implode on itself. Or something like that. Ask Cho if you want the gruesome details."

I shook myself out of my shock and jumped down from the railing. If I was going to blow up the world, I was going to do it _deliberately_, thank-you-very-much.

Chouji was already down in the fighting area or whatever it was called. I looked at Chouji and thought about what I knew about his fighting.

If I lose, the world will explode, huh? I haven't even met Sasori! I guess I've just gotta win!

Coughing-guy looked between us and saw that we were ready. "Match eleven: begin!"

I poofed my beautiful shiny brand new extremely awesome battleaxe out of my scroll and lifted it up. Holy crap it was heavy! But I managed to hold it ready to attack and ran forward at Chouji. He dodged of course, which I was secretly very glad about. And I quickly found out that stopping suddenly with a heavy battleaxe is NOT a good idea when you can barely lift the thing.

"Ouch…" I rubbed my head as I sat up after falling over backwards. Standing, I blinked the stars away and got ready to charge again.

I had a bad feeling as I saw Chouji doing something.

"Ninpou: Baika no Jutsu!" _Multi-size Technique! _"Nikudan Sensha!" _Human Bullet Tank!_

"Oh crap."

I did the only thing that came to mind: dropped my beautiful shiny brand new extremely awesome batteaxe and ran the heck away.

The spinning boulder known as Chouji chased me all around the arena. Finally he crashed into a wall where I barely escaped, so I used some ninjutsu while he wasn't moving.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" _Shadow Clone Technique!_ "Ready, girls?" All but one of us formed the same hand seals. "Suiton: Mizu no Kokyuu!" _Water Release: Water's Breath!_

Poor Chouji was bombarded with multiple giant orbs of water. I did my best to keep them weak, though. Hurting Chouji too bad would make me feel terrible! The Shadow Clone that didn't form the seals handed me my beautiful shiny brand new extremely awesome battleaxe which I set on my shoulder as I walked up to the very beat up and very soaked Chouji to show that I won the fight because I was standing with a weapon and he wasn't.

"The winner is: Neko."

"YAAAAAAAAAAAY!" I yelled as I pumped both fists in the air-

And promptly toppled over hard on my back.

I really need to learn to use that battleaxe.

Coughing-guy stepped forward and said loudly enough for people to hear, "Well, with this the preliminary trials for the third test have been completed."

Awesome sadistic snake lady who tortures Akuma and awesome sadistic interrogator guy came up to where coughing-guy was. The Third Hokage stood behind them. After all the winners (minus Ducky-chan) were in a row - I edged away from Shino which just _happened_ to be toward Neji - coughing-guy started talking.

"To all of you who won the right to compete in the Third Test -cough- one is missing, but: Congratulations! Ah, well then, Hokage-sama, if you would, please…"

The Third Hokage nodded, "Yes. I'd like to start explaining the main test. As I told you before, in the main event, your matches will be seen by everybody. Each of you…"

Again, I stopped listening. BOR-ING. Cho could tell me this stuff anyway. I was still close enough to hear some buzzing, so I edged away from Shino again, which again happened to be toward Neji. Funny how that works.

I saw Akuma saying some things to Shino with a smirk on her face. Oh crap. I eged toward Neji again, and now I was close enough that I latched onto his arm. Ha! The Hokage is right there so you can't do anything, Nii-kun!

I broke out of my thoughts when I saw the box of paper in front of me, held by awesome snake-lady. I grabbed out my piece of paper, still holding tight to Neji-chan's arm, even when he tried to shake me away. Number 2.

The Hokage started talking again. "All right, you all took a slip of paper. Now then, I'd like you to tell us the number on that paper in order, starting from the left."

I tried to pay attention, but I lost track of who was fighting who very quickly, so I just read my number and waited for Ibiki-chan to tell me who was to fight who.

Ibiki-chan lifted up the paper with the matches written on it.

Shino vs. Neko, Kankuro vs. Akuma; winner fights winner of: Shikamaru vs. Temari.

Naruto vs. Neji; winner fights winner of: Sasuke vs. Gaara.

I stared at it blankly.

It looked fine to me, but I'd have to consult Cho later to make sure we didn't set the future on its way to destruction or anything.

Anyways, I was sure all would be fine.

I still had a firm grasp on Neji's arm, after all.

* * *

Review, please! Hihyou wo suru, onegaishimasu!

There's a poll on my profile: vote for your favorite out of Akuma, Neko, and Cho! Actually, you can pick two. I know who I'd pick! Though, I suppose I'm fairly biased since they're based off me, my best friend, a girl I used to be friends with but haven't spoken to in years. We had some good times together, but yeah.

Sorry this chapter took forever: I got a job and then school caused problems. But that's no excuse. I'm lazy, plain and simple. But I'm trying to fix that.

Sayonara!


	13. Insane

**When All Else Fails, Hit the Fangirl – Chapter Thirteen: Insane**

* * *

"Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."

* * *

**-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

I dragged Neko off to see Cho before she had a breakdown. Seriously, what's so bad about bugs?

Unfortunately I had no clue where to find Cho, so I just went to the training grounds we designated as our meeting place and waited there.

"DIIIIIEEEEE!" I heard Neko yell.

I turned to see her impaling the ground with her axe over and over.

"DIE EVIL BUGS, DIIIIEEEE!"

Wow… that speed… And this is the girl that could barely lift her axe a few minutes ago? I guess if we ever get in a deadly situation, I need to ask Shino to scare Neko with his bugs again. None of our enemies would stand a chance.

"DIE! HA! YOU STAND NO CHANCE AGAINST MY MIGHTY AXE! I WILL BEHEAD ALL OF YOUR FREAKY HEADS, YOU FREAKY LITTLE UNNATURAL FREAKS!"

"Neko." No response. "Neko!" She grunted, seeming to still be ignoring me. "NEKO!"

Finally the idiot stopped chopping up the poor ground long enough to turn around and look at me.

"Do you really have to tear apart this poor training ground?" I asked, arms crossed.

She waved her axe at me, as if trying to get me to understand something. "The bugs! THE BUGS!"

I stared blankly. "…Okay. But did you notice the army of ants behind you?"

"WHA?" She turned around quickly, but before bothering to notice that there actually was no army of ants, she spun around and started running away, screaming.

"Stupid…" I decided to work on my Taijutsu forms while I waited for Cho.

* * *

**-=-=-=Cho's POV=-=-=-**

"THEY'RE AFTER ME! THEY'RE AFTER ME, I TELL YOU!"

I sighed as Neko ran up to me, screaming about something. "Neko. Neko. NEKO. Listen to me," I said, putting my hands on her shoulders to hold her still and hopefully calm her. "The bugs are not after you."

That gave her a moment's pause, so I let her go.

Neko looked at my hand in which I still held my perfect item. "Cho… why do you have a fork?"

"Here," I said, handing it to her.

She pushed it back. "No, you can keep it. But… why do you have a fork?"

I thought for a moment before telling her, "By the way, Neji is at training ground three."

"Neji? NEJI! Here I come! Thanks, Cho!" Neko exclaimed as she ran off, completely distracted, battle axe still in her hands.

…I would never understand that girl.

I figured I should probably go see Akuma, but I wanted to make a quick stop elsewhere first. The Forest of Death did absolutely nothing for the health of my clothes.

* * *

**-=-=-=Akuma's POV=-=-=-**

About fifteen minutes after I scared Neko away, I got a very, very bad feeling. I took off west, toward the bad feeling and against my better judgment.

Sure enough, about a half mile from our own meeting place was training ground three. Guess who trains there?

Team Gai.

And guess who found them?

Neko.

Tenten was doing some target practice, as one would expect from the weapons-using kunoichi. Gai was absent and I knew Lee was in the hospital. Poor, poor Neji was continuously using Juuken (gentle fist) and Kaiten (heavenly spin) trying to keep Neko away.

Hah. Good friggin' luck.

I walked closer. "I warned you, Hyuuga. You can't say I didn't warn you. Now that she knows you train here you will never be safe again. Ever," I courteously informed him, in an ominous voice.

Neji leapt backwards, avoiding an attempted glomp from Neko. "Get her away from me!" he pleaded, in a dignified Hyuuga way, of course. I shook my head at Neji, and Tenten ignored him completely. Good girl.

"Akuma, hold him down!" Neko pleaded.

I grinned. "You can take him, Neko! Good luck, Byakugan Boy!" I sat down cross-legged on the branch of a tree and watched the show. Maybe Neko would die. That would be great.

Now if only I had some chips.

* * *

**-=-=-=Neko's POV=-=-=-**

My beloved Neji-chan refused to stay still, no matter how much I pleaded! It drove me crazy. He would hold still even if I had to pin him to the ground with shuriken!

…

Crap. I knew I was forgetting something when I went weapon-shopping…

Oh, well!

I was in the middle of attempting another glomp when I heard voices behind me.

"Hey, Cho," Akuma said. "Come to watch the show?"

"Yeah," I heard her reply.

"Great!" Akuma said. "It's just now getting good." I resented that. "Hey," she said, "why do you have a fork?"

I started listening closely at that.

"Not important."

…That's it?

"That's all you're gonna say?" Akuma voiced my thoughts.

"Yes," Cho said simply. "Just train yourselves and stay out of trouble. I should go find the Sand Siblings. Bye."

"Bye," Akuma replied.

I looked over my shoulder at Akuma. "Don't they use chopsticks here?" I asked.

She shrugged. "Foreign imports store?"

Hm… Sounded good to me.

Suddenly, everything was black.

* * *

-=-=-=**Akuma's POV**=-=-=-

I looked at what had been such a promising battle, but because of her distraction Neko had been knocked out.

What a shame.

I hopped down from my tree and walked over to her unmoving body.

After poking her experimentally with my foot a couple times, I outright kicked her. Still showing no signs of life, I sighed.

_Great. Now I've gotta get the idiot from Point A to Point B. By myself. While she's unconscious. Well, at least she'll be quiet…_

I stared at her a moment, trying to figure out how best to accomplish the task.

Shrugging, I grabbed her foot and started dragging her.

Damn, she was heavy. But no way in Hell was I going to carry her bridal-style. Or any other way, for that matter.

I made it about halfway back to the training grounds, but when I was partway across the street that appeared to be part of the shopping district, my arm just couldn't stand it anymore. I swear. Seriously. I couldn't keep dragging her. My arm just gave out. I mean, really. It wasn't deliberate, or anything. I wanted nothing more than to heroically drag her back to the training grounds out of the goodness of my heart, but it was just physically impossible.

So I dropped her leg, put my hands in my pockets, and walked the rest of the way on my own.

Someone would pick her up sooner or later. Definitely. Probably. Maybe. Maybe not. Didn't matter.

Not my problem.

I started training skills that I thought might be helpful in a fight against a puppetmaster. Not because I was going to fight Kankuro - he'd be easy. But more because Neko fangirled Sasori, and therefore if Akatsuki-related problems were to occur, there was a good chance Sasori would be involved.

Because that's exactly the kind of thing Neko would cause.

* * *

-=-=-=**Neko's POV**=-=-=-

When I woke up, I was in a dimly-lit grey room with a table in the center, and me tied to a chair sitting at it.

Sweet! One of those interrogation room thingies from the movies! I couldn't wait for my interrogator person to show up! This would be so much fun!

…Assuming they didn't torture me… that… would… kinda suck.

But as long as they didn't torture me!

The door opened and an old guy with a cane and one eye wrapped up walked in.

He looked familiar.

"You are Neko," he stated.

"Yeah. I already know that, thanks," I said. Seriously, I know who I am.

"Don't get smart with me, brat."

"Sorry," I said. "…I should know you. Wait, wait… Um… you're, uh… Taka…? No… John… Uh… Koh… No… Scarface? No, wait."

He looked a bit annoyed. "My name is-"

"Nonono! Wait! Just give me a sec! Are you… One-Eye? No… What's that in Japanese…? Uh… Ichi…me? Ichime? No. Zoro? Dan…zo? Danzo? Nah… You look more like a Ponzo. Pachi! Pachi sounds right!"

"My name is Danzo," he stated, not looking at all amused.

I stared blankly at him. "…No, I'm pretty sure you're Pachi."

"My name is-"

"Pachi, and that's final!" Seriously, that had to be his name.

He growled. I just stared at him. Seriously, he looked like a Pachi. Or maybe Pichi. Piki. Pika. Pika-pikachu! Whoops, back on topic.

"What do you know of the future?" he asked in his serious no-nonsense type of way.

"Eh, not much." I shrugged. "Cho's the one who knows everything," I said truthfully.

"But you know some," he prompted.

"Only the major thingies," I said.

"Such as?" he asked, paying attention closely.

"There's quite a bit. Where should I start?" I asked seriously.

"Who are the next Hokage?" Pachi, no, Danzo… asked me.

"Eh, Tsunade and then you, I think. I swear I remember something about that, but everything's kinda unsure for me that far in the future."

"I become Hokage?" he seemed very interested in that.

"Yeah," I said, nodding. "And I think you go to some sort of Kage-meeting or something…"

"The Meeting of Five Kage?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure?" Not like I'd know.

"What happens to the Third?" Danzo asked.

"The third what?" I asked. Seriously, he needed to not be so confusing.

"The Third Hokage," he growled.

"Oh! Uh. He dies?"

"When?"

"Dunno. Around the time Sasuke declares his gayness, I think. I don't know… might be closer to when Naruto is made ramen spokesperson…" I rambled. Maybe he'd buy it.

"Is it soon?" Danzo asked, impatient.

"Yeah, sure. I only know to when Naruto's like 15 or 16 anyways," I said.

"What else happens? Major events? Why do the Kage meet?"

"For tea and crumpets! It's because an evil idiot's trying to take over the world," I said with a dramatic sigh. "Or something. The moon's involved. I don't know, I think he's kinda insane. But he's powerful and he has plant-guy, so he kinda might win. Especially when he works with Kabutomaru," I said.

"Who is Kabutomaru?" Danzo asked.

"The name was actually Cho's idea!" I said with a bright smile. "She got it from somewhere else, though, she says, but I dunno where. But it's when Kabuto goes insane and, uh, attaches dead-Orochimaru's cells to himself or something… after Orochimaru's death. It's weird. He's insane. Probably because he and Orochimaru were disappointed that Sasuke was only gay for Naruto… I think they wanted him to be their double-uke, but he has a seme complex."

Pachi, Danzo, whatever, seemed to have decided to ignore that last part.

"What else do you know?" he asked.

I thought for a moment about that. "A lot of the Akatsuki members are hot," I said decidedly.

He glared at me.

"No, seriously!" I argued. "Itachi, Sasori, Deidara, Hidan… Even that one body of Pein's isn't too bad looking, but I think it's actually dead which is kinda creepy…"

"That's enough. What happens when I'm Hokage?" Danzo asked.

"Uh… how about you ask Cho?" I suggested, because I seriously don't know anything about that.

"What else do you know?" he demanded.

"…Kakashi and Neji are hot. Sasuke is dumb. Uh… Ino's useless, Sakura gains a load of kick-ass… uh…"

"Fine. If that's all you know I will-"

"Oh God don't kill me I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIIEE!" I started struggling against the ropes that held me to the chair.

"I'm not going to kill you!" he almost yelled.

I stopped moving. "…Oh. Are you going to torture me?"

"No. I'm more civilized than that," he said with a completely straight face.

I snorted. "Whoops, you didn't hear that. I meant to, uh, sigh in relief. Yeah, that's it. Sigh in relief."

Danzo just glared at me again. Then he opened the door and spoke to someone. "Escort her out," he said, and then walked out.

A young boy with pale skin and dark hair walked in. Crap. In. A. Bag. It was Sai!

Sai walked over to where I was sitting, still tied up, unfortunately.

"Hey, you gonna untie me? Or is this gonna get kinky?" I asked, grinning and wiggling my eyebrows suggestively.

He ignored me completely and untied the ropes. "Follow me," he said.

I stood up and slung my left arm around his shoulders. Despite being a couple years older, I was only about the same height as him. Depressing. "So, sexy, where we off to?"

"Please remove your arm from my shoulders," he stated, expressionlessly. Hah, as if I hadn't had experience with Cho acting like that.

I leaned on him more, putting my cheek closer to his. "What, you never been this personal with a woman before?" I asked suggestively in a low voice.

"No," he said in a matter of fact way.

I straightened up, but still had my arm around his shoulders. "Ah, so you go for men, then? I'm a bit of a fan of yaoi myself," I said, grinning. "I must say, you and Sasuke would make quite the sexy couple. Though you'd be pretty good with Naruto, too. Or even better, you with Sasuke AND Naruto!" I started chuckling while my grin widened at the thought.

As I started rambling about yaoi, Sai seemed to ignore me… but I knew those ideas would be planted in his head forever.

I never once stopped grinning.

* * *

Finally, another chapter! Neko came over and we bugged each other to write our fanfics. She helped me with a couple spots that I got stuck. Her reaction to some parts motivated me to keep writing.

I went through a couple the past chapters and fixed a few things. I'm going to edit more of them over the next few days. The main story's still the same, though, don't worry. XD

Reviews are much appreciated! ...They help guilt-trip me into writing.

Anyways, thanks, Neko! And thank you everyone else who reads this!


End file.
